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Baked Beans (Olympic Pool Workshop on Writing with Emotions)
Blind to an unseen gaze
stalking me in the dark alleys I'd ventured
I stumbled on the fracture of confused thoughts
steering them through an insane traffic
deaf to the sirens howling at me
amidst the din of
pendulous swings of my conscience
My seamless thoughts knew no bounds
on hearing gunshots and screams
waking up to read the count
of the Fourth Estate
I felt like throwing up
counting baked beans on my toast
gone rancid...
raj (sublime_ocean)
15aug2011
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
raj
Tue, 2011-08-16 05:24
Dearest Xena
you are spot on with the theme of this write and emotion which i have tried to express..thanks for stopping by and your comment..much appreciated...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlou
Tue, 2011-08-16 05:30
Raj
I was under the impression that the first poem was going to be about love, I obviously misunderstood. This one seems to be about fear, and you express it very well, not sure what the Baked Beans have to do with the theme, they did'nt seem to fit.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
raj
Tue, 2011-08-16 05:38
Lou
thanks for your comment ,,i am not aware if the first workshop poem is supposed to be about love..i thought participants can choose the sequences of their choice to express each emotion....this poem is indeed about a mixture of fear hate and guilt about not being able to do enough about the carnage going around the world....the reference to Baked Beans is in the context of innocent lives being taken as easily as baked beans....
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Tue, 2011-08-16 14:22
perhaps this write hasn't
perhaps this write hasn't come out as well as i had conceived it to be...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Tue, 2011-08-16 15:16
Dearest Xena...
as i mentioned before...you have zeroed in on the essence of my write so very correctly and now you have analyzed it so very well...which i appreciate so much....my only worry is if the idea of baked beans and toast is too abstract for it to be conceived..your comment will certainly bring more comprehension to it when others read your comment..thank you so much...
much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author comment