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Touch

Submitted by Race_9togo on Sun, 2011-04-17 00:45

There are times when you say no,
when long hours of work and fatigue
conspire to take away your passion,
negating all desires you have for me.

These are days frustrating,
hapless interludes in busy lives
neither patience nor acceptance
can lighten or assuage,

For then my need is hurtful
and desire unrequited, this passion
I have for you as far from
being fulfilled as it can ever be,

Even so, long years of marriage
and hard work, two decades's worth
of raising children alongside you
long ago revealed what I must do:

I begin when you're beside me,
stressed, over-tired yet not asleep,
and past your quiet objections I gentle
off the delicacy of your gown

And turn your naked body over in my hands
to lay your gentle curves face down
beside me on our bed, before I ease
down next to you, hip to hip

where I begin a gentlest touch,
a merest graze of fingernails barely
felt on smooth soft skin, slow from
nape of neck down spine to heels

And you moan, your body shaking,
you groan, your stress releasing,
and when at long last I stop at wrists
then softly pull our quilts up over you

You are asleep, relaxed and warm,
content and gently breathing,
and I am filled with satisfaction
by your trust, and sleeping smile.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lou

Sun, 2011-04-17 02:42

lou's picture

This is a most romantic tribute to your wife, I enjoyed it very much. The thing that I feel that you might change though, is Stanza three. I read it a few times trying to figure out what did'nt sound right to me , then i realised it was the word 'my,' I think maybe it has been repeated to often.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Race_9togo

Sun, 2011-04-17 09:48

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Your absolutely right, I edited stanza three.
Thanks for your critique, it's much appreciated!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

lou

Wed, 2011-04-20 04:38

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That sounds much better now.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

loved

Tue, 2011-04-19 20:29

loved's picture

You are asleep, relaxed and warm,
content and gently breathing,
and
I am filled with satisfaction
by your trust,
and
sleeping smile

loved

Race_9togo

Wed, 2011-04-20 14:50

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I must say I like your re-work of the last stanza, but I think I'll keep it as is, so as not to break up the quatrain style I used.
Good restructuring, though.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

scribbler

Tue, 2011-04-19 22:07

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I have found after many years of marriage that intimacy is superior to sex. You said this but better in this gentle write............scribbler

Race_9togo

Wed, 2011-04-20 14:53

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There was a time when I would have vehemently disagreed with you about intimacy versus sex. Now I understand completely, a thing I could not have known without experiencing it!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

CCfire

Wed, 2011-04-20 04:58

CCfire's picture

I can't say I have fond memories of mine but can see the love and warmth in these words and I am sure any woman would be grateful to become poetry.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Race_9togo

Wed, 2011-04-20 14:59

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My wife reads everything I write, and often she is surprised by the depth of my feelings, as I tend to be that typical human male, reticent in the extreme when it comes to displaying feelings, and awkward with speech. I think that for me writing serves as the conduit through which I can express how I feel for her. And of course, her reaction to what I write is, well, really, really good! heehee.
As for bad spouses and relationships, you should have seen some of the monsters I hooked up with, before I met my wife. Enough said.
Glad you enjoyed this.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

mand

Wed, 2011-04-20 15:51

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A beautiful poem of tenderness, tastefully written.

Love Mand xxxxxxx

Race_9togo

Wed, 2011-04-20 17:42

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Good to hear from you, I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2011-05-02 11:51

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where I begin a gentlest touch,
a merest graze of fingernails barely
felt on smooth soft skin, slow from
nape of neck down spine to heels

I call this "feather touching."

I read your responses to this piece and I have to tell you that I hooked up with a few real monsters too. I was just about done with love and decided that there was no man in this world worth the pain. I was ready to join the air force after graduation from an electronics institute (NEI northwestern electronics institute) But then I met Steve, my life mate. He convinced me to stay with him instead of joining the service. Like your wife is to you, Steve is that to me, my everything. I write about him often. I am so pleased that you have someone this wonderful. It shows in your writing. She is a lucky woman.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Race_9togo

Mon, 2011-05-02 15:35

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Yeah, it's beyond good to have someone in your life that you love more than yourself.
Glad that you enjoyed this one.
Feather touch! It's what my wife calls it too.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Race_9togo

Mon, 2011-05-09 15:18

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My wife read this...on Mother's day. I tucked it into her roses, and in the jewelry box she wanted, as well, so I knew she wouldn't miss it.
She actually had a good laugh over it, because she knows how frustrated I can get, and she also recognized her own reaction as well!
Glad you enjoyed this one,

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Race_9togo

Mon, 2011-05-09 15:22

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Thanks Rosina, for your kind words. Did I get any sleep?
None of your business, heehee!
I'm very glad that you enjoyed this one, warrior princess!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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