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farewell friendship's muse
there is somewhere
that you belong
that as a wee little one
you began to wield with
power the mystery of words
that each thought recorded
reminder of events & circumstance
not just happenstance
progressing through life
indelibly etched in heart.
lift up your soulful gaze
with eyes sparked ablaze
travel back through time
bring back that moment,
(a feeling)
relish each line,
each phrase alive again;
face the sunrise that gives
a bold step forward
heedless of tear-stained cheeks
an after-image - bedimpled smile
knowing that you have come
so close to discovering self
so many an occasion when it
occasion finds - mirrored
in words - a life's journey
many yet few; few yet many
realise one permanent truth
words unwritten leave us
less than half without you.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
crypticbard
Mon, 2011-03-07 17:54
Thanks Ian
Most appreciated input.
Spot on with your observation on the line.
Tweaked that section to make it flow better.
Hope it worked.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentloved
Mon, 2011-03-07 09:33
ur the muse i love to read ere i have bed tea ur words
are lovely they energise me solely and soulfully
//in words - a life's journey
many yet few; few yet many......
realise one permanent truth
words unwritten leave us
less than half without you.'''''''''''''''''''
ur words half said
half unsaid
loved
crypticbard
Mon, 2011-03-07 17:56
aye, that would be
for we lose many things in translation from heart to words
from inside to out. And as we learn to wield our words with more effect
we inch closer to leaving nothing unsaid. A good goal, methinks.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentloved
Mon, 2011-03-07 22:20
i thought
many things are best left unsaid
they convey much more ...
no was i so wrong
i need a kick or else
a poetic break
which???
loved
crypticbard
Tue, 2011-03-08 07:55
a kick is too extreme
there are meanings and significant communication
from pauses and silences,
like that magical few seconds before a kiss.
the user's discretion results in satisfactory results!
If you do not understand my silence
you will not understand my words.
If you do not understand my words
you will not feel my heart.
If you do not feel my heart
you will not commune with my spirit.
If you do not commune with my spirit
you will not experience Me.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2011-03-07 22:36
HI C.B.
If all we want to communicate are facts and ideas, we hardly need poetry. But when emotions and intangibles are involved,poetry reigns.Your poem is a sample of this. I have a few ideas you might consider :
L-7 change remind to a reminder
Stanza 5 you might rearrange form to something like
Bring back a moment
a feeling
relish each line
each phraze alive again
face the sunrise that gives
a bold step forward
heedless of tear stained cheek..........breaking lines like this reinforces the line "relish each line" in my opinion...................scribbler
crypticbard
Tue, 2011-03-08 06:26
excited to try out
your suggestions Ian! Then we shall see how the poem goes.
I'm up for it. Cheers.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
author comment