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Unfair Vanity
Unfair Vanity……
She waves a bottom
so sinfully nice,
not many men wouldn’t
care to look.
He had a plastic beard
pointing to his chest,
his indifference
points to an arrogance.
Clearly uncomfortable
with each other,
it was not
a happy romance.
She only saw skylines
of his failure,
he was content, had
all he desired.
She feels his suffering,
when thier eyes meet
as she placed her glass
carrying the ruby
outline of pert lips on the table.
The smile in her eyes
were not of pleasure,
she knew this man’s heart.
Why do they remain
together,
only to please
a wickedness.
Then he passes perfectly,
poison so pretentious
to a vanity
painstakingly chosen.
Thus the affair ended,
frozen.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
It happens to be true, or is it....
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Thu, 2011-03-03 17:29
This was,
This was my perception of a couple i watched , while i as in a cafe bar in France. They were young , but the way they acted was with indifference to each other. She had i haughty air and he looked laid back, there were obvious signs of them both being unhappy. I was probably wrong but this is where my thoughts finnished. Thank you again Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2011-03-03 14:37
I find the mix of past and present tenses confusing,
I suspect it is intentional. a mixture of what was and what is in the affair, however perhaps if the "you" is also the "he" a more consistent use of past and present tense between them might help?
It is an intriguing piece, perhaps the last two lines are a tad redundant?
Thus ended the affair, frozen.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Roscoe Lane
Thu, 2011-03-03 17:30
You have given,
You have given me some ideas, thank you for your insight Jess. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentRoscoe Lane
Fri, 2011-03-04 08:37
I have made,
I have made a few change and would be grateful, if you would once again give an input. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2011-03-04 09:34
This is really good. The
This is really good. The only question I have is your use of "wickedness", for me it just doesn't fit but I am at a loss for another words that would suffice in its stead, without rewriting the sentence and/or recomposing the thought-frame behind it.
Nicely done. Workshop at its best.
~A
Roscoe Lane
Fri, 2011-03-04 13:05
Thank you,
Thank you I have been working on the ending, and still am. Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentRoscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-03-05 13:20
Thank you,
Thank you, it was one of those situations that got me thinking. And this was my take on it, probably a million miles off. He's maybe just spent the mortgage money on a boosy weekend. Thanks again Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 14:49
Good editing,
take the best and leave the rest.
All more coherent.
I think you could upgrade this from rough draft to polished edit.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry