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Understanding
Forsaken moments ravage sour memories
forced to form a never-ending yearning
that excruciating agony has carefully sewn
to keep me bound to his own tiny headstone
There's understanding Chronos does not heal
but forms a scar that, with time, simply fades
to every other's vision but my own
and sometimes I have fancy that he's been betrayed
The All Great Healer is Himself a hypocrite
It does not, I have found, truly get easier
but simply wrapped and bandaged 'til familiar -
therefore made to seem soothed, benevolent -
thus becomes bearable, less bitter
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-10-07 02:09
fuckin brilliant
well crafted but still raw with emotion, no poet can strive for more.
I guess you know the line-
and sometimes I have fancy that he's been betrayed
is a bit clunky.
its a big change, you might have to look for one like
and I think he may well have been betrayed
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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judyanne
Sat, 2011-10-08 13:34
thanks so much jess
i do see that line is chunky
- anything shorter i have tried doesn't say it...
i decided to leave the length... it does come out as triplets...
and it makes the reader (or at least it makes me :) ) pause at the end of that stanza
- hopefully alowing the digesting of the previous before the next point....
- lol - do let me know if you disgree xx
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-11-02 12:01
Dear Judyanne,
Yes... as Jess says, it is a brilliant piece!
There's understanding Chronos does not heal
but forms a scar that, with time, simply fades
to every other's vision but my own
and sometimes I have fancy that he's been betrayed
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
judyanne
Tue, 2012-04-03 03:56
thanks so much cat
so glad you liked this
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Roscoe Lane
Thu, 2011-11-03 02:04
Try,
Try taking (and) away at the beginning of lines 8 and 12, other than that i agree it brilliant. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
judyanne
Tue, 2012-04-03 03:55
thanks roscoe
i like your suggestion re line 12 - done that
but if i remove 'and' from line 8 i feel it upsets the rhythm -
thanks so much for the great comments and suggestion
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)