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Noisance
That roaring mower's bloody noise
my peace and indolence destroys
so I protest with grace and poise
and hoik a broken brick at it.
a leaf-blower then intrudes most rudely
a job once done with rake as easily
after asking first politely
I kick the fucker's keister
now silence reigns my mood's enabled
I'll write rhymes which will be fabled
if my talent's not mislabeled
and those cunts keep fucking quiet
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
never let it be said I set exercises I won't attempt myself. Strong, weak and double rhymes plus some assonance and consonance. But I piked at triples.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-10-25 10:29
Oh... Jess!
I love the title! Fantastic wording. I got a chuckle out of this piece... damned near peed myself!
You've described my summer annoyance perfectly! each verse builds up to the finale. Love it!
now silence reigns my mood's enabled
to write rhymes which will be fabled
if my talent's not mislabeled
and those cunts keep fucking quiet
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-10-25 11:05
thanks cat, I had fun writing it
while actually trying to write a poem for the rhyme workshop while beleaguered by the sounds of these noxious machines.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Tue, 2011-10-25 11:36
A thoroughly tacky poem.
I loved it. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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weirdelf
Tue, 2011-10-25 11:52
what can I say? but
[grins wickedly]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-10-25 12:37
ta Rosi, but you give me to much credit,
strong, weak and double, but no triple rhymes here.
What is this strange word 'polite' you use? I'll have to look it up in a dictionary.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-10-26 22:42
I am suspicious of the source,
and prefer Wesley's definition below,
but thanks for the curious tale.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Race_9togo
Tue, 2011-10-25 17:23
Maybe you did "pike" at triples,
But you came awfully close!
I like this; the rhyming is good, almost within your own set parameters, except, as you say, for the triples.
I love the subject, and especially the structure, the way you use the last line, taking it out of the rhyme, but using assonance and consonance. it packs a real punch.
Good stuff. This was a good workshop!
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-10-25 20:17
thanks Jim
it's been great working with you all. What's next?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Tue, 2011-10-25 18:02
Hi Jess...
I've been keeping up with most of the workshop
and I must say that you've really done a great job
with this one.
This poem, first stanza, second line isn't grammatically
correct, your peace and indolence destroys, should it not
be "destroyed". I think you gave in to the rhyme, but it is
about the rhyme, and they are good, content good, sometimes
I want to hoik a brick too.
thanks
Richard
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-10-25 20:18
ta mate
the whole poem is present tense so isn't 'destroys' correct?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Tue, 2011-10-25 21:02
Yes ...
it's the way I was reading it, to me it reads like the peace
and indolence is doing the destroying, like it needs an "it"
before destroy, but I do see where it could be read the way
you've obviously meant it, the mower's noise destroying.
sorry mate, my bad.
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-10-26 03:08
Not your bad, your very good
It's one of those grammatic inversions for rhyme I hate so much, in normal speach it would read-
destroys my peace and indolence
well spotted
mea culpa
mea culpa
mea culpa
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2011-10-26 02:56
Absolutely you poem::))
the rhymes are great since its late i must come back and read again for a better look at all the rhymes I.
Enjoyed the workshop. I feel I must attempt to write here so I'll write a one or posting with the two exercises.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-10-26 03:09
yes, it would be good to do that
and thankyou
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Wed, 2011-10-26 19:04
I looked up "polite"...
...in my "Dictionary of the Highly Arrogant and Obnoxious" (my favorite) and found only "shmooze". Does that help?
Just kidding.
Ian, your definition is totally cool. I did not know that. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-10-26 22:40
my favourite is
"Dictionary For Those Who Have Earned The Right To Be Highly Arrogant and Obnoxious", but the definition was the same.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-10-29 04:30
I know what a gazunder is
goes under the bed, hence my comment above.
Mr Sparrow seems have learned some tricks from the elves
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-10-29 04:32
thanks Ian
no wuzzas, as I said before, we're a pretty relaxed bunch around here, despite those fins circling in towards us. [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-10-31 13:27
Solid foundations indeed
Tho' I confess tid make my eyes water somewhat,
well done sir.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2011-10-31 14:07
I am back after a better read and some new eye drops
working so far
I think this is another of your genius write. I like all the rhymes. they flow perfectly.
My accounting home work has displaced my ability to sort them all out at this moment. Just glad i can see again without the mental confusion, pain, and actually get some work done.
It amazes me how you manage to make sex flow effortless in you last two poems. Glad you not trying to stew counts. :)
Ps love you Shabazs
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-10-31 16:35
Shabazs?
methinks you are confusing me with the gentleman of joyous rhyme and rollicking write, this is weirdelf and there is no sex, just a genital name used as a profanity.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2011-10-31 18:00
I know
I am glad to hear though your writing take mr there
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community