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the stars wish i would stop penning hope
the mountains around me are tired
of sitting still
and i am sick of writing poems on this coffee table,
an empty mug on flat wood
a bonsai hating yellow and that sunrise
wilting
like all the leaves in today's rain
like the pianoforte through these four walls,
some kind fingers
playing temporary pauses
for the sound sleeping outside shaded windows—
its mouth full of love songs and nostalgia
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words:
I'm compiling a "working book" and will like any suggestions to improve before i submit it to the press. thanks in advance! oh, and i'm happy to return any constructive critiques :)
Editing stage:
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Comments
CCfire
Sat, 2011-04-02 00:31
Strong
Your images are always precise in your writing, I never have to search for them, they tend to jump at you. I perhaps would remove one of the 'like' as when they follow each other if makes me want to pause too long there and it interrupts the flow, one would be sufficient I feel. Glad you are doing a book, are we able to get copies or is this just for you?
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
paper umbrella
Sat, 2011-04-02 00:36
right now, i'm keeping the
right now, i'm keeping the like since i'm working with repetition for a while :) but thanks, i might come back and change it. if i ever manage to get something printed, i'll send you a copy ;)
CCfire
Sat, 2011-04-02 01:13
Published is good
Awesome, and sure if it's something you're working on by all means...and I will hold you to a copy of your book
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Nordic cloud
Sat, 2011-04-02 03:44
And a copy to me too Ann of
And a copy to me too Ann of Norway? Please!!
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
paper umbrella
Tue, 2011-04-05 23:27
of course :)
of course :)
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-04-02 02:09
Yes the,
Yes the images are strong and in my mind i can hear the piano, nice poem. Good luck with your book. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
paper umbrella
Tue, 2011-04-05 23:27
thank you :)
thank you :)
Nordic cloud
Sat, 2011-04-02 03:43
its just damned good. Terrific you paper umbrella..
"the mountains around me are tired of sitting still"
How we loved it and laughed at this wonderful thought.
"and i am sick of writing poems on this coffee table,"
Then this beautifully mundane table stained with coffee.
"an empty mug on flat wood"...such tactile senses stirred.
"a bonsai hating yellow" SMILING
"and that sunrise wilting" SUPER
"like all the leaves in today's rain" ...each thought a haiku in itself.
"like the pianoforte through these four walls,
some kind fingers playing temporary pauses" ...how one knows this!!!!
"for the sound sleeping outside shaded windows—"...mind blowing synapses.
Do you know I found the last line suddenly slightly out of context and banal,
don't you think so Steven(Esker?) I don't know, but the rest of it is so fantastically wonderful I don't know what language to use, but its just damned good. Terrific you paper umbrella floating past my window in the mist this dawn, it fitted the atmosphere just right, thank you for the experience of it and love from Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
paper umbrella
Tue, 2011-04-05 23:28
thank you :) i agree, i had a
thank you :) i agree, i had a hard time with the ending on this one..i'll put this aside and maybe inspiration will give me another ending lol!
paper umbrella
Tue, 2011-04-05 23:27
yep, i agree about the last
yep, i agree about the last line
Melissa Gayle
Sun, 2011-04-03 22:06
Since we are asking for
Since we are asking for copies, may I have one as well?
♥ Melissa
paper umbrella
Tue, 2011-04-05 23:28
that's a given ;)
that's a given ;)