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Free Bird
I am a free bird
Just that I shot down from the sky
By a hunter’s game and left to die
Upon this rubble of insanity
I survived but a free bird in captivity
Now I rove the grim borders of this world
Looking out for a good grasp of wind
To fly high again, a free bird
But if the wind does not blow
And life is still grey without a glow
It’s okay; I am still a free bird, a sparrow
With liberty voice singing from my pain
The hunter’s heart will hear of my hurt
When with all of my might
I begin walk and walk
And run and run
Until I am high again in flight
Amid the sky, a free bird
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Esker
Sun, 2012-05-20 21:15
"now I rove grim borders of
"now I rove grim borders of this world
looking for a grasp of wind...
Fly high again,
a good free bird
and if these winds they do not blow
and life is grey without a glow
It is okay,
Im a sparrow with the know
This freedoms ring the song of pain
That hunters heart will hear me sing
and I will walk and walk
and run and run
until again Im high in flight
amid the sky of freedoms might"
Hey Wondergolly! Esker here!
I love your poem man dont I feel shot
down sometimes and theres nothing left
to do but rest wounded or sleep and let
dreams find a way to the sky
mornings are wonderful sometimes
I have written my version of your great poem
there is nothing like the reserve of hope
and resolve
Thank You!
WonderGolly
Mon, 2012-06-18 20:14
Esker
hello. I am most grateful that you read this piece
and I love the flow of your reconstruct of my poem.
thanks again.
I apologize for taking so long a time to respond.
respects.
WonderGolly
What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-05-21 06:25
hello wondergolly
I stress that this is totally imho
I think your write is excellent in its imagery and it captivates the reader to think about freedom and the loss of it
and there is great text and subtext and implied text here
in my thoughts were, especially, the freedom we lose when we come here to manifest
I just felt it was a bit repetitive and chunky
I have taken the liberty to edit it in the hope that you will find it of some use
again I stress, this is just imho
I love the concept of this write
love judy
xx
I am a free bird
shot down from the sky
by a hunter’s game, left to die
upon this rubble of insanity (note your typo here - you have written 'ruble')
I survived, but in captivity
Now I rove grim borders
looking out for a grasp of wind
to fly high again, a free bird
But if the wind does not blow (note another typo here - you have written 'winds')
and remains grey, without glow
it’s okay
I am still free, a sparrow
with freedom’s voice singing from my pain (i would suggest another word for 'freedom' to avoid another repeat)
The hunter’s heart will hear of my hurt
when, with all of my might
I begin to walk and walk
then run and run
until I am high again in flight
amid the sky, a free bird.
and even then i would suggest you go through it and find some more powerful words to replace some, such as 'hurt' in that last stanza...
.
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
WonderGolly
Mon, 2012-06-18 20:30
hello Judy
reading your appreciation of Free Bird, I am overwhelmed
by the mistakes I committed in the writing of that piece.
funny, I read and read and yet it still escaped me.
I am thankful you spotted them and and wonderful suggestions
you offered.
thank you and I apologize for taking long to respond. I went offline for a while.
respects.
WonderGolly
What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol
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