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RE-WRITES Does a re-w rite necessarily produce something better or just different but just as valid. Please comment on the 2 versions version 2 a re-write of version1
MOVING TARGET: VERSION 2
My mind races
at the speed of light
my body can’t keep up
and I’m left behind.
I push the day
thrtough a heavy
mist of grey
in Pain’s loneliness.
movements fast or slow
I hide in continual motion
dancing around myself
before the terror electric white
strikes
and tells me the things
I don’t want to know.
VERSION 1
MOVING TARGET
My mind races
at the speed of light
my body can’t keep up.
I’m left behind.
I push the day
in a heavy mist of grey
of Pain’s slow.
I do and I go
I run
but the terror
like sudden electricity
electric white
kills as it strikes..
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Comments
Ian.T
Thu, 2012-09-20 18:14
Joe
I always have said and still do :- to change one word of a poem is to write a new one they should always be individual and separate, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Thu, 2012-09-20 18:28
hi
Depends on how one defines rewrite......damn I'm turning into Bill Clinton lmao. Sometimes a rewrite can be so extensive as to create a new poem but often they just add clarity as you did with this one. So I guess my answer is about as clear as mud................stan
Geremia
Thu, 2012-09-20 19:42
I tend to feel as Beau does.
I tend to feel as Beau does. And if you do make chsnges, it generally means you were not happy with the original. VERSION 2 says a lt more.
Thanks, folks
joe
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-09-26 07:24
Remember the baby and the bathwater.
I have only seen your poems improve with revision, whether a result of feedback or your own considerations.
I don't like either version because they are still part of the negative death trip you indulge in so often.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Wed, 2012-09-26 11:30
Yes. I agree on both points.
Yes. I agree on both points. I think strcture-wise second is better.
thanks
author commentGeremia
Wed, 2012-09-26 13:01
Yet, is it really about death
Yet, is it really about death, or survival in life?
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2012-09-28 04:33
Survival in life
My readings and understanding seem to be getting shallower. I am probably as sick of apologising as others are of hearing my apologies. I struggle, I try, I fail, sometimes I succeed, but I won't give up.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2012-09-28 06:20
Becaus you are a survivor.
Becaus you are a survivor. And why apologize for your critiques. They are as valid as anyone else's perceptions. And you gife us your time to read, re-read an danalyse.
jor
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2012-09-28 06:25
thanks Joe,
much appreciated.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2012-09-28 06:30
•"Listen carefully to first
•"Listen carefully to first criticisms of your work. Note carefully just what it is about your work that the critics don't like - then cultivate it. That's the part of your work that's individual and worth keeping", Jean Cocteau
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