Destiny...a street sign pointing left despite being able to see the road is about to end...calculated moments...irreverence...

I felt it once...pretty certain that's what it was...a future...a life without anger, sadness and hatred...a calming sense of self that everything would be okay...a little word followed by a simple word strung together into a sentence...compliment...stinging like a swarm...needles pricking, poking, sticking...drawing blood vile after vile...no refills...just emptiness growing...the sea deeper...the bridge taller...the blade longer...the rope stronger...

I spoke with her...Anne...tried to anyway...along with Ingrid and Sylvia...their words waft into my ears...settle the darkness...assure time that it has ticked away...a young child switching breasts...dead mother's milk is spoiled...left a rottenness inside...I want to join them...find out if this anguish...this mental self-portrait with a blade at its throat...is the same as theirs...if the stories I see, hear and read are true...parallel to my own...ask them if they will comfort me as I their words...when the soul is empty...when the feeling has just become..............................more than a feeling...an action...one final act...precipitous of a childhood....painted color by numbers...as they left...1, then 2, then 3...4...5...and so on...all in black...