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Overdraft the Monster...

Submitted by Geezer on Mon, 2024-06-10 14:07

As the wind howls, I am reminded...
Reminded of the rippling sheet of rain,
a silver curtain billowing across the roof.
There will be water in the attic.

There is an overdraft there, going over.
The spirit of the storm, travels so fast,
it carries water over the edge, to the window below;
dropped, it clings to the wall, and sneaks in.

I've known about that overdraft, for quite some time.
I watched it as a child, awakened by the wind.
The monster that ate at my home, needed company,
I heard the pitiful moans, as the spirit tore at the shingles.

Now, we are together again, the spirit and I;
I am tempted to join it as it drags its familiar water
over the edge and into the draft, but no!
I cannot cling to the wall and re enter the house.

That would be an overdraft that I could not afford.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

06/24 Overdraft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-06-10 20:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "Overdraft the Monster," presents a vivid metaphorical exploration of the concept of an overdraft, using the imagery of a storm and its effects on a house. The metaphor is sustained throughout the poem, creating a consistent thematic thread. However, the connection between the storm and the concept of an overdraft could be made more explicit to ensure the reader fully grasps the intended symbolism.

The poem could benefit from a more concrete exploration of the concept of an overdraft. While the metaphor of the storm is evocative, it might not be immediately clear to all readers that the storm represents an overdraft. The poem could potentially introduce the concept of an overdraft earlier and more explicitly to ensure this connection is clear.

The poem's structure and rhythm could also be refined. The lines vary significantly in length, which can disrupt the poem's rhythm and flow. Experimenting with more consistent line lengths could enhance the poem's musicality.

The poem's language is generally effective, using vivid and evocative imagery to convey the destructive power of the storm. However, some phrases, such as "the spirit tore at the shingles," could be made more concrete. Instead of "spirit," consider using a more tangible term to describe the storm.

Lastly, the poem's ending could be reworked to provide a more impactful conclusion. The final line, "That would be an overdraft that I could not afford," is a strong statement, but it might be more effective if it were built up to more gradually, allowing the reader to fully appreciate the significance of the metaphor.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Mon, 2024-06-10 15:32

Sir Gee

This is a compelling and thought-provoking piece.
I thought you need to share in the overdraft contest. It's a winner.
Best wishes

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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Geezer

Tue, 2024-06-11 08:59

Thank you...

I thought I had entered it in the contest, an oversight that I will soon remedy. As the AI says, I'm not sure that the readers will get the connection, but I am certainly glad that you did, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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author comment

Lavender

Fri, 2024-06-14 13:51