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Jokerface82 rewrite...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2024-05-30 11:57

Punching away shadows, shapes
Back were they came from, from the street
Lights smothering the Inky abyss and pockets
Above the silk black blanket
A sinister grin from a ghostly moon
that changed its shape
from a horn to a circular glow

Punching away shadows, shapes.
Back where they came from, from the gritty street
Lights smothering the pockets of odor with glare
Above the black, silk blanket
A sinister grin from the ghostly moon
that changed its shape
from a horn to a circular glow

Not much else you can do with what there is here,
without changing the poem, a lot.
~ Geezer.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
How to use imagery in poetry..
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-05-30 18:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem demonstrates a strong use of imagery and metaphor, which helps to create a vivid and evocative scene. The repetition of the phrase "Punching away shadows, shapes" effectively emphasizes the poem's central theme and adds a rhythmic quality to the piece.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of punctuation. The lack of punctuation in some lines can make the poem difficult to read and disrupt the flow of the piece. Additionally, the phrase "Back were they came from, from the street" appears to contain a typographical error; it should likely read "Back where they came from, from the street."

The line "Not much else you can do with what there is here" seems to break the fourth wall and disrupt the immersive quality of the poem. If this is not the intended effect, consider revising this line to maintain the poem's atmosphere and narrative consistency.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more varied vocabulary. For example, the word "black" is used twice to describe the blanket. Consider using synonyms or other descriptive words to add variety and depth to the imagery.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

scribbler

Fri, 2024-05-31 18:15

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a change can be made without ruining the poem I think

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