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Intoxicating, Love
Stuck in your same ol' ways
Smoking your lungs black
Drinking your liver to death
Risking everyone's lives,
Including your own
Just to drive home to me
Sometimes...
I wish you wouldn't come home.
The weight
Of carrying you from the bathroom to our bed
Cleaning the remnants of your sins off the floor
Watching you hold on for your life
The smell alone could intoxicate me
It's too much.
I can't stop you
I can't save you
And I can't unlove you...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Lord Alfred Tennyson, Robert Frost, Allen Ginsberg, Walt Whitman, Misha Collins, John Donne
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-06-12 04:50
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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Geezer
Wed, 2024-06-12 11:58
The placement...
of the lines seems a little bit off.
and I think that you might use that line "The smell alone could intoxicate me."
in a better place. How about:
Stuck in your same ol' ways
Smoking your lungs black
Drinking your liver to death
Risking everyone's lives
Including your own
Just to drive home to me
Sometimes...
I wish you wouldn't come home.
The weight
Of carrying you from the bathroom to our bed
Cleaning the remnants of your sins from the floor
Watching you hold on for your life
The smell alone could intoxicate me.
It's too much.
I can't stop you
I can't save you
And I can't unlove you...
Having had an alcoholic father and knowing a few others in my time, I can sympathize
and understand this poem readily. This is an honest look at the scourge of many a relationship. Good luck, ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Kristen H.
Wed, 2024-06-12 16:06
I fully agree
I honestly didn't think about putting that line in a different place when I was editing, but that does flow much more smoothly. Thank you for your feedback, Geezer!
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2024-06-13 11:03
Always...
I try hard to be objective, and never to change what the poem says. My only purpose in commenting and critiquing, is to help the poet reach the reader. If ever, you think that whatever advice or critique is anything but honest opinion or changes the original meaning in any way, you let me know. Thank you for daring to share.
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
tyro
Wed, 2024-06-12 14:34
I think the protagonist, here
I think the protagonist, here, has quite a lot of fortitude, and a deep ability to love.
tyro
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
Kristen H.
Wed, 2024-06-12 16:07
I, myself,
Am the protagonist here. Thank you very much.
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