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Hands
i wish i had more hands
so that i could hold yours with two of mine
a third tangled in your soft curls,
rubbing the small of your back with another.
i wish i had more words
to describe the way you make me feel:
like a giddy little girl, blissfully unafraid,
singing along in the shower to a colbie caillat song.
i wish i had two sinks
so we could brush our teeth side by side
laugh at the foam around our mouths
and watch your shoulder brush against mine in the mirror.
i wish i had more sundays
so that i could wake up with you more often,
and whisper a groggy good morning
and kiss your cheek with morning breath.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-05-02 20:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Hands" effectively utilizes repetition with the phrase "I wish I had more" to emphasize the speaker's longing and desire. This repetition creates a rhythm that carries the reader through the poem, enhancing the overall emotional impact.
The poem could benefit from more consistent use of imagery. The lines "a third tangled in your soft curls, / rubbing the small of your back with another" provide a vivid, tactile image that engages the reader's senses. However, the subsequent stanzas do not maintain this level of sensory detail. For instance, the stanza about brushing teeth could incorporate more sensory details about the experience, such as the taste of the toothpaste or the sound of the running water.
The poem also employs a mix of abstract and concrete language. While the abstract language ("to describe the way you make me feel: / like a giddy little girl, blissfully unafraid") conveys the speaker's emotions, the poem could benefit from more concrete language to ground these emotions in specific, tangible experiences.
The poem's structure could also be more consistent. The first two stanzas each contain four lines, while the last two stanzas each contain five lines. A consistent structure can help to create a more cohesive and balanced feel to the poem.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most of the sentences in the poem are complex sentences with multiple clauses. Incorporating a mix of sentence types—such as simple, compound, and complex—can add variety and interest to the poem.
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hippiemoon
Sun, 2024-05-05 22:59
Dear MM,
What a BEAUTIFUL poem!! I especially love the imagery of brushing your teeth and getting foam around your mouths. I agree, we never have too many hands for our loved ones :)
:)
Best,
hippiemoon