Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Spring fling flinching
There I am, alone chasing the cold,
Snowflakes remains, winter in my thoughts,
Believe me, you'd better ask her to come,
She looks at you, waiting for a call,
With somebody else you'd better be off.
No matter how many times you're asking,
You already know I'd rather not be showing,
My feet always get tangled, it all ends up in shaming,
Although I'm happy you thought about inviting me,
As for me, I'm not as good as you think for dancing.
"I don't care where we're gonna dance,
As long as it's your hand that I'm gonna take
If you don't know how to make the first step,
Let me pave for you the way
And teach you how to conquer it"
Let's go on our own path,
Ask me out one more time,
I'm ready to give out my heart,
Come and take my hand,
Let's bring back spring again.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-04-30 15:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Spring fling flinching" presents a narrative that is both personal and relatable. It effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey emotions and experiences. However, there are areas that could benefit from further refinement.
1. Consistency in Tone: The tone of the poem shifts from melancholy to hopeful, which can be effective in demonstrating emotional growth. However, the transition between these tones could be smoother to ensure a more cohesive reading experience.
2. Rhythm and Rhyme: The poem's rhythm is somewhat inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. Consider revising the syllable count in each line to create a more rhythmic reading experience. Additionally, the rhyme scheme is somewhat sporadic. If a rhyme scheme is to be used, it should be consistent throughout the poem.
3. Clarity of Message: While the poem's narrative is generally clear, there are moments where the intended message becomes somewhat ambiguous, such as in the lines "You already know I'd rather not be showing," and "My feet always get tangled, it all ends up in shaming." Consider revising these lines for clarity.
4. Use of Language: The poem's language is generally effective in conveying emotion and narrative. However, there are moments where the language could be more evocative or descriptive, such as in the line "Let's bring back spring again." Consider exploring more vivid or unique ways to convey this sentiment.
5. Character Development: The characters in the poem could benefit from further development. Their motivations and emotions are somewhat unclear, which can make it difficult for the reader to fully engage with the poem. Consider expanding on the characters' thoughts and feelings to create a more immersive reading experience.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact