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Something New

Submitted by Shelby Pryor on Wed, 2024-05-29 13:01

Rain rushes from the skies
Mixing with a single tear
The wind cuts through
Like every doubt, every fear

Lightning shatters my peace
Like the pieces of my mind
A distant thunderclap mocks
Of the girl I was and left behind

A tornado rages in my head
Demolishing my peace and joy
I plaster on a smile for you,
But it's just a tactic I employ

The fear paralyzes my heart
Yet I'm so tired of being afraid
It is time to get up and fight
Before my resolve starts to fade

My fingers curl around my sword
I lift it high, I've got my armor on
I bring it down with all my strength
Until the shattered pieces are gone

There is no fixing the girl I was
No use in buying time with glue
The only solution is to shatter her
And forge with fire Something New

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 05/26/24 to 06/01/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-05-29 19:01

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Something New" effectively conveys a powerful message of personal transformation and resilience in the face of inner turmoil. The imagery of rain, wind, lightning, and a tornado vividly captures the emotional turbulence experienced by the speaker. The metaphor of using a sword to shatter the past and forge something new is a strong symbol of empowerment and renewal.

One suggestion for improvement could be to further develop the transition from turmoil to resolution in the poem. Exploring the emotional journey in more depth, perhaps by expanding on the speaker's internal struggles and the process of rebuilding, could enhance the impact of the transformation theme. Additionally, considering varying the rhythm or structure of the poem to create a more dynamic flow could help engage the reader even more.

Overall, "Something New" is a poignant and evocative piece that effectively conveys a message of strength and growth.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Sun, 2024-06-09 21:19

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Hello, Shelby!
This is very good. I walked through each stanza and related to the thought-process, coming to the resolve in the ending. I really like this skillful play on words:

Lightening shatters my peace
like the pieces of my mind

Thank you!
L

Shelby Pryor

Fri, 2024-06-21 01:06

Shelby Pryor's picture

That really snippet was actually the base of the poem, I just built from there, Thank you so much for your kindness and support, it means the world to me!

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