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My Lucky Coin

Submitted by gregwa8 on Mon, 2019-02-04 21:00

I left my lucky coin
In my pocket
When it went through the dryer
Last night

And it charted the stars
On each rebound
Against the moving cylinder
The metallic sound
Like the hammering
Of light
Through darkness

I didn’t stop the machine
I leaned in
And listened
To that moving body
My luck
On its seemingly erratic
Geometrical course
Creating
Starlight
Starlight
STARLIGHT

When I opened the dryer
To put my clothes
In the laundry basket

The coin had somehow
Fallen back
In my pocket

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2019-02-05 14:56

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my comments have drifted of to the void once again! Unless because you have edited out the other poem that you had with it. I like this sooooo much better! Right on MF ! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

gregwa8

Tue, 2019-02-05 19:02

gregwa8's picture

thanks geezer! I took your and other people's advice and broke my last poem into two different poems. I'm pleased with this, as simple as it is. sometimes simple is the best! appreciate your comments

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Geezer

Wed, 2019-02-06 14:17

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that maybe you could reverse the two lines in the last stanza and say "Providentially, Fallen back"
into your pocket. Just seems smoother. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Eumolpus

Wed, 2019-02-06 21:22

Eumolpus's picture

just drop "providentially" , just "fallen back in the pocket" is providential enough and makes the same point.
Otherwise i think it is a great subject idea, the coin in the dryer, who has not experienced it?
To find these little common things and find poetry in them is one of Greg's gifts.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Wed, 2019-02-06 23:51

gregwa8's picture

Eumolpus, yeah, I dropped providentially. A little redundant. Thanks for your comments that got me writing more based on the original origami idea, fleshing things out. Shel Silverstein is the bomb. Makes me wanna do some doodles for my poems :)

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Geezer

Thu, 2019-02-07 09:20

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Better now. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

gregwa8

Fri, 2019-02-08 22:08

gregwa8's picture

thanks hommies!

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Cloudthings

Fri, 2019-02-15 07:43

Cloudthings's picture

Enjoyed this very much, the poem grabbed me particularly from here:

"I leaned in
And listened
To that moving body
My luck
On its seemingly erratic
Geometrical course
Creating
Starlight
Starlight
STARLIGHT"

I felt completely akin & invited by these lines & wonderful expression!

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

gregwa8

Fri, 2019-02-15 22:45

gregwa8's picture

thank you Anni!

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