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The friend

Submitted by Mini on Wed, 2024-05-29 05:08

The being that though was
A whisper in the wind,
A flicker of light in the vast night sky,
A dream weaving
Through the fabric of existence.
The silence before the dawn,
The breath before a spoken word,
My other half
Saw another soul,
Another presence in the world,
A different light,
A different dream,
A whisper meant for someone else,
A flicker in another's sky
So I remain,
A murmur in the wind,
A solitary star in the vast night sky,
A dream still threading through the Tapestry of existence

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 05/26/24 to 06/01/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Wed, 2024-05-29 11:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, "The Friend," utilizes a number of metaphysical and abstract concepts to convey the speaker's feelings of solitude and longing. The imagery of the "whisper in the wind," "flicker of light in the vast night sky," and "dream weaving through the fabric of existence" effectively creates a sense of ethereal and transient existence.

However, the poem could benefit from a more concrete grounding in specific details or experiences. While the abstract imagery is evocative, it risks becoming too vague or generalized without more specific, tangible details to anchor it. For example, the poem could delve into specific memories or experiences that led to the speaker feeling like a "murmur in the wind" or a "solitary star in the vast night sky."

The poem also employs repetition of certain phrases and images, such as "a whisper," "a flicker," and "a dream." While repetition can be a powerful poetic device, it may be beneficial to vary the language more to avoid redundancy and keep the reader engaged.

Lastly, the poem's structure and punctuation could be refined for clarity and impact. The lack of punctuation makes it difficult to discern the intended rhythm and pauses, which could potentially enhance the poem's emotional resonance.

In summary, this poem has a strong foundation in its evocative, abstract imagery and emotional resonance. With more specific details, varied language, and clear punctuation, it could be further strengthened.

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