Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Zombies Are Coming

Submitted by Depressed 1 on Mon, 2022-08-22 01:58

The zombies they want to eat my brain

My sanity is getting harder to maintain

They are coming I can hear them outside

To save my brain I must find a place to hide

Their shuffling is getting faster so it seems

I see them no longer just inside my dreams

I see zombies here and I see them over there

Zombies are surrounding me, they are everywhere

They want my brain for their own evil intentions

They make groaning sounds of an intervention

I know they just want to take my brain away

So that my imagination can no longer stay

I know in the end that they will do me in

I will become a zombie just like them

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
The Zombies are going to turn me.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

swamp-witch

Sun, 2023-03-19 12:09

swamp-witch's picture
Volunteer badge

I'm Kelsey, can I call you something other than "Depressed"?

I really love that I sense a Dr. Seuss quality to the rhyme of your poetry. Combining that with zombie horror is a lot of fun and very unexpected, in a good way. Definitely right up my alley in terms of what I like to read.

If I could draw your attention to one thing though, it's your line "They want my brain for their own evil intentions". Do zombies have intentions? Usually not. They're usually depicted as being mind-controlled by someone else or as having nothing left but animalistic survival instincts: neither good nor bad, just ruthlessly biological.

Of course, it's *zombies*. They aren't real; this is sci-fi horror. I get that. Still, sci-fi requires the following of a logical system (even when it is the author's own made up logical system, as is usually the case in speculative fiction) to make sense and convince the reader to buy in to the speculation. The "science" must still be there. This line doesn't currently follow what we tend to deem the rules for zombies, so you may want to consider tweaking it in some way.

Take care,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

Depressed 1

Tue, 2023-03-21 04:08

Depressed 1's picture

Thanks Kelsey. The ones that want my brains for their own evil intentions are the people who want to change me into what they think I should be. The zombies are a metaphor for the people who walk around and live their lives in a zombie state all doing the same thing and all being the same. They want to turn me into one of them but I would rather be my own different self.
Roger

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment

swamp-witch

Tue, 2023-03-21 09:43

swamp-witch's picture
Volunteer badge

Got it! I see where you are going with the metaphor. I know the feeling!

Take care,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.