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The world through a hula hoop.

Submitted by lovedly on Wed, 2020-02-05 06:34

One must also say
time changes
every moment
and
that alone is what is known
as the only constant

what
time
no change

it's just a moment
to moment
a' la momentary

then virtual immemorial
glimpse
an imagination
was
is
will be
read
next moment casually
limps

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Wed, 2020-02-05 17:20

Eumolpus's picture

I might consider shifting the accents in the first line to-
One must also say
Hear it? As opposed to opening DAH DAH dah, you open iambic, Dah da. Fits with the pace of the rest of the stanza.
"no change"? meaning doesn't change? a bit Reggie like "no woman, no cry" I don;'t think that works.
à la, not ala, for french.

i like the last line falling off like a limp. I like the poem. Not the title so much. In these types of poems, you can give the poem a crazy Dali like title too, something just crazy and fun. "The world through a hula hoop." etc.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

lovedly

Thu, 2020-02-06 07:30

lovedly's picture

accepted your views thank you

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