Why am i?

why am i like this today
we all hWWave choices n chose the wrong pathway
thinking i am ME and i can play
but unlike others i can then just walkway
although I didn't know it had got me straight away
then i saw myself waste away
so from my family and friends i kept away
but on a visit to my mums one day
i remember my mother tearing up telling me you wont see your 30th birthday
even your aunty carol went to church and for you she prayed
after my cousin saw selling myself, to her dismay
the only thing i could make quick pay
i went to the car to see if a man wanted a lay
out got my cousin in tears asking if i was okay
yes i said but she said what do you need tonight to go home from this red light roadway
i lied n said 20 though 50 i needed she said take this 20 and get yourself off home away
and to that i did obey
i felt terrible for her to see that me way
but i needed my mental block so i was back out the very next day
always hoping for punter to give good a pay
when they did i went one way
to my dealer happyday
but then having to do it everyday
your stood there longer freezing in a doorway
because your not the new girl who gets picked up straight away
desperate and looking grey
some of them punters would use it to get their own way
offer you a tenna id say fuckoff noway
he say its all ive got n i got blow for tenna off faye(the other day)
go find fay n have your way you'll catch and dose you'll rue the day
when your wife cuts your cock off for going astray
and not practising safe play
it goes another after another all wanting to underpay
but in desperation each girl/whore has her price my minimum was 20 they got 10 minuets then id walkway
so they'd go to the £10 girls
so longer and longer in that doorway id stay
it was just aside the railway
i started to think of a better way
to stop my addicti6on and my mental pain
doorway or the railway
i didn't have courage for the second way
the heroin and crack smoke no longer me sending up and away
needles was another way which i had always stayed away
the house i went in no foil so i said OK
i couldn't do it myself so i had to look away while i wanted to runaway
pipes and chasing the i dragon abandoned that day
there was better stronger faster much more long-lasting way
i stuck with that everyday even when having trouble finding a vein
quickly i started to decay
i bear these physical scars to this very day
my legs so scarred i cant wear a short dress n have everyone drooling my way
its the scars that people cant see is my pain
and its all my own fault only my self blame
still i have to block out my shame my pain my name
i am not me who started this rhyme
done to me has been such crimes
to tell at another time
so why am i who i am today ive made mistakes but learned
and slowly but surly ive come away from that life that ive earnt
i can only control me my decisions, my reactions
when my best friend/ mum died
there are those that know themselves they lied
but i vowed to be honest and do things right
no matter how they tret me i kept i word
the more i did they acted more absurd
but when living in their spite
in their spite i felt delight
cos to this very day ive been and done right
i felt hurt, anger, shock and betrayal for quite a time
now i feel pity, and wish them well and to see the light
its then you know you need not fight you just be honest and do right
then no matter what happens you'll be alright