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when we were Titans

Submitted by Seren on Tue, 2012-07-31 07:17

once upon a time
we laughed

clutched hands
and loved shamelessly
fearlessly protective
when her back was turned

I caught every arrow
dodged every snare
swallowed every poison
until I gasped for breath

reaching for a hand
that is no longer there

once we were Titans

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is a rough draft all suggestions appreciated
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Tue, 2012-07-31 07:40

Hi Seren, long time no see. How are you? Your poetry book finished? Your classes?

I remember this poem. Is it included in your book? How are the kids? Your hubby?

Big hello hug,
Anna

Seren

Tue, 2012-07-31 08:33

Seren's picture

All is well in my world the kids all have jobs hubby is working ... My studies are going ok Beth is at uni in coffs harbour three hours north of home ....

The book is in print ill leave a link when I get my computer back next week

This is a new poem but I know the one you mean similar themes

Hugs back atcha

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2012-07-31 21:32

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you back and posting! Also glad that everything is going well.
I have a suggestion. Make it so that all of the lines are grouped by twos. That way the line: when her back was turned, will make better sense. I loved it other than that. This poem might have been written for anyone who has ever been in love and now down the road of age, alone. A sense of sadness, but also of good memories. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Seren

Wed, 2012-08-01 07:26

Seren's picture

I have missed you my friend thanks for the crit
When I do the next edit ill try that out and see how
it sits with me.

It's nice to be back

Nog hugs Jc

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

scribbler

Tue, 2012-07-31 22:22

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I agree with Gee that some of the stanza breaks are at awkward places. I was going to mention the change in tense in next to last stanza then my tiny brain realized it was on purpose to seperate the past from the present. In keeping with the theme of then vs. now you might consider deleting "upon a time" in next to last line to show that the "time of romance" has now been replaced by reality. Also might want to tell scribbler to shut up lol..........stan

Seren

Wed, 2012-08-01 07:29

Seren's picture

Hmmmmm thanks for the suggestions I will consider them
I like your idea for upon a time I will change that I think your
Right on the money ....

Hugs Jc

Thanks for the visit

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-08-01 03:48

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Dipity do da, dipity day, our lovely Seren is writing away... La La
I liked this piece but just came up for Air
until I gasped for breath (AIR) maybe ???
Take care young lady and lovely to read your back,
Yours as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seren

Wed, 2012-08-01 07:33

Seren's picture

Everyone's made great suggestions ...
I like the change from breath to air
It's nice to ne back writing havent
Had time to write much over the
Last little.while

Big hugs n love Jc

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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