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When I walk

When I walk,
I walk as if my feet do not exist
When I talk,
I talk as if my tongue is heavy and do not cease

When I breathe,
I breathe as if my lungs do not work
When I feel,
It is as if it is all my breathe is worth

When I do,
I do as if I am not here
Because everything I want to go through,
is on the other side of everything that is

When I am here, I am not
Do not find me

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.


The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem presents an intriguing exploration of self-perception and existentialism. However, there are areas where clarity and consistency could be improved.

1. The repetition of "When I" at the beginning of each line sets a rhythm, but it also risks monotony. Consider varying the structure of your lines to maintain reader interest.

2. The line "I talk as if my tongue is heavy and does not cease" seems contradictory. If the tongue is heavy, it might imply that speech is difficult or slow, not incessant. This could be clarified for better understanding.

3. The line "I feel as if it is all my last breathe is worth" is somewhat confusing. It's unclear what "it" refers to. Specifying this could enhance the emotional impact of the line.

4. The final two lines "When I am here, I am not / Do not find me" are intriguing but could benefit from further development. The abrupt shift to a command ("Do not find me") might be more effective if it's built up to more gradually.

5. The line "Because everything I want to go through, / is on the other side of everything that exists" is a strong statement about desire and reality. However, it could be more effective if it were more closely tied to the preceding lines about walking, talking, breathing, and feeling.

In summary, the poem has a compelling theme and some strong lines, but it could benefit from clearer language, varied sentence structure, and more coherent development of ideas.

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