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WE DANCED

Submitted by scribbler on Mon, 2012-05-21 22:09

I remember dancing in the moonlight
and a young girl who fit my arms just right.
Hair tumbling like a long brown waterfall
as we swirled 'round the room at the spring ball.

My eyes were fixed on no one else but you
the prettiest woman within my view.
Neither of our feet felt like they touched the floor,
a hint of what would so soon be in store.

I can not say which songs played on that night
but I recall, still, holding you so tight
and how I got lost in your laughing eyes.
Love caught me, unexpected, by suprise.

Over four decades since that night was through
I still recall with joy that dance with you.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Here I go doubtless messing up another sonnet
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Mon, 2012-05-21 23:47

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is this a sonnet as the layout suggests?

if so, the iambic stil needs work
and you don't really have a volta

if it is not a sonnet excuse my crit lol

a lovely descriptive write that gives much for the mind to visualise
a little rough in rhythm to my ear - even allowing for it perhaps not needing to be iambic (if it isn't a sonnet)
eg
'Neither of our feet felt like they touched the floor' - a little long - don't know what to suggest
'I can not say which songs played on that night' - i'd lose the 'on' - and cannot is one word
'and how I got lost in your laughing eyes' - 'got' - not particularly a poetic term....

i enjoyed the rtheme and text
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-22 00:17

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claiming this as a sonnet
so i have parsed it for you (imho)

i re | MEM-ber | DANC-ing | in the | MOON-light
and a | YOUNG GIRL | who FIT | my ARMS | just RIGHT.
HAIR TUMB | ling like | a LONG | BROWN WAT | ter - fall
as we | SWIRLED | 'ROUND the | ROOM at | the SPRING | BALL.

My EYES | were FIXED | on NO | one ELSE | but YOU
the PRETT| i - est| WO - man| with – IN | my VIEW.
NEI | ther of | our FEET | felt like | they TOUCHED | the FLOOR
a HINT | of WHAT | would SO | SOON be | in STORE.

I CAN | not SAY | which SONGS | PLAYED on | that NIGHT
but I | re- CALL, | still, HOLD | ing YOU | so TIGHT
and HOW | i got | LOST in | your LAUGH | ing EYES.
LOVE CAUGHT | me, UN | ex | PECT | ed, BY | sur- PRISE.
-
O –ver | FOUR de | CADES SINCE | that NIGHT | was THROUGH
i STILL | re –CALL | with JOY | that DANCE | with YOU.

xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Tue, 2012-05-22 09:05

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Every time I try a sonnet it comes out stilted. If I had any left I'd pull my hair out over this cursed form which I Never can get to read properly. I'll try to patch this one up but it will obviously take a lot of work. This will likely be my last sonnet attempt for a while. Think I'll go on to writing something simpler like the history of the world in royal rhyme form lol.........stan

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2012-05-23 03:11

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you are very close to success...
and you will find it so worth it if you persevere
love judy
xxxx

and here i again will be rude :)

remembering careening 'round in moonlight
a youthful girl who fit my arms just right.
all tumbling hair - a brunette waterfall
we swirled around at spring’s achievement ball

My eyes were fixed on no one else but you
the most appealing woman in my view
it seemed our feet not once there touched the floor
a hint of what would so soon be in store

I cannot say which songs were played that night
but still recall my holding you so tight
and how I lost myself in laughing eyes
when love appeared completely by surprise

it’s over four decades that night was through
I still recall with joy the dance with you

note - the first line has 11 syllables - it is a 'feminine line'
- ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta
(shakespeare used them a lot - so we can too)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Tue, 2012-05-22 18:36

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It's the length of the lines which gives me the most trouble. For some reason I'm more comfortable with shorter lines. I seem to recall there's a type sonnet with only 8 syllables per line. I'm gonna check it out and maybe do an overhaul using that form if such exists. I Seldom Give Up. I just get pissed at myself lol......stan

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scribbler

Tue, 2012-05-22 18:38

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Thanks. But it seems I've messed this up by putting it in an unfamiliar form. I'm gonna do a major edit............stan

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