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The waiting room

Submitted by Viviana Smith on Mon, 2023-04-10 12:27

Children cry and hug their mothers
the room is crowded no space for others

a lone tear makes its journey down my face
we all pray together for the human race

our loved ones lie in beds with crisp white sheets
hooked up to machines that show their heart beats

doctors rush around like leaves on a windy morning
their footsteps echo like outside its storming

my heart beats at a steady pace
terrified for my lover it starts to race

this room is there to keep us quiet
to wait calmly without a riot

my head is full of fear and my soul is burdened
I long to see behind the dirty curtains

to see my lover's body as she lies
her chest rising without opening her eyes

this waiting room is nothing more than torture
while we wait for the doctor to come to the door

but he could bring news that makes us fall to our knees
news with no joy that makes our heart squeeze

so next time your in that cursed waiting room
pray that you're loved ones don't end up in a tomb

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Apri 2023 Challenge Waiting Room
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Mon, 2023-04-10 12:27

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem captures the emotions and atmosphere of a hospital waiting room effectively. The use of imagery throughout the poem paints a vivid picture of the scene, from the crowded room to the machines monitoring the patients. The repetition of the phrase "this waiting room" emphasizes the feeling of entrapment and helplessness that comes with waiting for news about a loved one's condition.

One suggestion for a line edit would be to change "fall too our knees" to "fall to our knees" for grammatical correctness.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys the anxiety and fear that comes with waiting for news in a hospital setting. The final lines serve as a poignant reminder of the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing our loved ones.

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