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The Vanishing Man
There was silence in the valley
Birds had nothing left to sing
The water ran dry from a dead well spring
Off in the distance you can just barely see
He was standing in a shadow smaller than a flea
Dying in the embers and going up in flames
The invisible man, never knew his name
He left no legacy, no one was amazed
No phone records and his messages erased
His voice like a signal from an old dead star
It was such a long distance, sound was just too far
Now he’s a ghost with no haunted house
The spirit left the body, never had a spouse
Wiped from all memories, do not shed a tear
His story is over as he completely disappears
You’ll never remember my face or name
Forget the reason why you even came
Just as I vanish into the great unknown
My last breath taken and the wind has blown
Will you promise to see that my grave is kept clean ?
Flowers around the headstone and the grass kept green
No soldier of glory, I didn’t die in a war
My heart stopped beating when you didn’t want me anymore
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2022-08-18 12:02
I find it hard...
to critique this one, as it is in rhyme, but doesn't conform to most rhyming pieces. I had to read it a time or two, to get the proper feel for the rhythm. However, once I set aside my normal rhyme mood and just read it without trying to make it fit into a
category, it fell into its' own rhythm. Good job! ~ Geezer.
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Sen99
Fri, 2022-08-19 04:39
I See What you Mean
my previous poems have been free verse usually. Rhymes can feel empty without a poetic meter behind it, I hope they fit a narrative and build a picture, in the reader's mind at least the imagery if not the rhyme scheme, glad you got it in the end !
author commentJackweb
Thu, 2022-08-18 12:10
Good presentation!
Rhyme is one of the first poetic devices that we become familiar with but it can be a tricky poetic device to work with. A pattern of rhyme called scheme, helps evoke emotions from the reader. I really liked your delivery as well.
The poem talks about the dead of a mediocre. There was nothing nice or impact he contributed in life when he lived. He is just dead and nothing good about him.
Beautifully penned! The flow was consistent and use of language.
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"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Sen99
Fri, 2022-08-19 04:34
Yes Its a Tricky one
Rhyme is something I avoided at first, sounded too trite, most other poems have been free verse, helps to have a story and the right language Thanks for reading and thoughtful comment,
author commentJackweb
Sun, 2022-08-21 00:57
Hello Sen99
Congratulations on winning the week contest!
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Sen99
Sun, 2022-08-21 14:40
Yes quite a Suprise
thank you
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2022-08-20 17:06
I think that...
certain prejudices against rhyme are ingrained when we are children and beginning poets. The first poems we learn are trite and meant for children. As we get older and more [sophisticated or so we think], we become convinced that in order to provide a more adult venue; we should shy away from rhyme. I understand that point of view and acknowledge that there are some that who are operating on that level. However, to tell a good story and manage to rhyme in a measured voice, that can be very tricky. I think that you have a good grasp of what it takes to be a successful rhymer. You don't have to forfeit free verse in order to be a rhymer; just because you do one, it doesn't mean that you can't do the other. Nice work, ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Sen99
Sun, 2022-08-21 14:42
thanks
you make many interesting valid points, rhyme are part of the poets art but they need a voice or good story telling to work
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2022-08-21 07:16
hello,
I like your poem because the flow feels natural and right. Congratulations!
*always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Sen99
Sun, 2022-08-21 14:39
Thank You Cat
For reading my piece and commenting
author commentTriskelion
Sun, 2022-08-21 20:35
Hi Sen99
I'm having trouble with the internal logic in parts of your poem. Here is one example.
"Off in the distance you can just barely see
He was standing in a shadow smaller than a flea"
I don't think I could see a flea in the distance, let alone a shadow so small. So, if the subject is standing in such a small space....
Perhaps another writer would like to point out any other inconsistencies.
Your subject is interesting and I especially liked the last line, and there was a fleeting connection between it and the poem body. That being an uncontrolled rant of a child using wild exaggerations to get attention, but I wasn't completely sold on that idea.
I hope my partial critique will help you along.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Sen99
Mon, 2022-08-22 07:25
Thanks for the critique
its just conveying smallness, a man vanishing, whether to the naked eye or a viewer with binocular vision
I hadn't thought of the last line like that, rant of a child, but glad you read something new into it, an interesting take
author commentSen99
Sat, 2022-10-01 18:28
Thanks Alan
for your detailed feedback, many worthwhile points to ponder, and build upon, as I mentioned regular rhymes. I was resistant to at first, will practice to make more natural and less forced rhymes, I do like assonance and near rhymes as well, so maybe develop these in future
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