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Vampire Queen

Submitted by C. Wolff on Fri, 2022-07-29 08:50

I have tasted the poison of your love,
Withering my resolve to depart,
You have kept me entranced,
By your sensuous self,
Your scent of roses,
Drawing me to you,
Into your web of lies,
I am trapped,
As you kiss me passionately,
Ceasing my will to struggle,
The roses now turn to thorns,
As you gently pierce my flesh,
Light fades to darkness,
Fear no longer knows me,
As I become yours,
Forever.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2022-07-29 09:42

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that you are having a little trouble with syntax, when you try to express yourself as though it were an old-school poem.
I would forego that type of wording and if you must; use words that sound like it, but in a modern fashion.

Example: "Withering my resolve to depart." You could use withering, [it's kind of an old school word], but use it in a manner that is more understandable.
"My resolve to depart withering"
Likewise:
"My will, ceasing to struggle"
Other than that, a very likable poem, I am a big fan of vampires and that kind of thing
and you do a very credible job on that score. ~ Geezer.
.

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C. Wolff

Fri, 2022-07-29 09:46

C. Wolff's picture

Thanks for the feedback!! :)

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Candlewitch

Fri, 2022-07-29 10:47

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I have been a Vampire fan since I was seven years old. combining them with romance seems ideal... I love it! the imagery is superb. thorns, fangs go together like bread and butter!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

C. Wolff

Fri, 2022-07-29 10:56

C. Wolff's picture

Thanks! :)

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Jackweb

Fri, 2022-07-29 11:09

Jackweb's picture

she is a vampire queen!

The roses now turn to thorns,
As you gently pierce my flesh,
Light fades to darkness

I love these lines!
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

C. Wolff

Fri, 2022-07-29 11:40

C. Wolff's picture

Thx! :)

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