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Vampire Heart

Black eyes
Sunken in
Upon ashen skin
Safe from dawn's first light

Porcelain fangs
Stained in red
Remnants of a night
Well fed

Translucent tears
Wound in discontent
A wounded heart
Beats inside an undead chest

She longed to be normal
To feel the sunbeams on her breast
Her soul cried for his affection
But alas ..

To her box she went
Waiting for the moon's
Bleached out dance
When the hunt begins again

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

in the story and almost didn't notice the odd rhyme scheme. I won't try to repair it, because I think that it might ruin the flow, rather than fix it. I will direct you to a work of mine written sometime back, that has a similair theme. It's called "Racing Nights"
6/22/2016, a little something you might like. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Glad you enjoyed the story. I will definitely check out your poem! Sometimes I rhyme accidentally and it flows fairly well.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

I had a thought on the title: (Vamperic Heart) vampiric is a word I found on dictionary.com

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/vampiric

I loved these lines, as I feel the exact opposite:

To her box she went
Waiting for the moon's
Bleached out dance
When the hunt begins again

respect, Cat & eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thank you for your input. Vampiric is a good word but I kind of like the title I chose. Glad you enjoyed.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

Captivating from the first. I’m not much on horror, vampires and all that but a good story is just that. You’ve got one here.

I want to read one line differently and as such here it is…

Translucent tears
Wound in discontent
A wounded heart
Beats inside an undead chest

It does nothing really, the tense stays the same, the original isn’t necessarily cumbersome. I just liked the quicker, sharper sounding last line. The whole stanza is hard consonant sounds this make it congruent. It’s an attitude thing I think.

Or just leave it because it’s great!
Tim

I agree that last line sounded better with your edit to it. It was much cleaner sounding. Thank you!

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment
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