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Twas you after all

Twas not the born lamb’s breath that I dare weep for, brother
Twas not the hollow arcane inside I feel, dear brother
Hunger to sip the woeful tale of fever alas
Oh me, Oh my, Oh brother
He throws like plasma glass
Twas I, you know, shivering she
who tore apart the horses
And licked the dust of corpses
oh brother, dare we go a great old deal
and burn the iron man with teeth of gasoline
Twas you, remember
Twas you so sweetly keen
Oh me, Oh my, Oh brother
How the man does melt
Oh me, Oh my, Oh brother
Twas the noble fog that smelt
we laugh, how the man does sing
Twas I, dear brother
Who dare not weep

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I believe that if you could replace 'twas with a more meaningful word in several places the poem would have more meat on it.
Try it,
Mark

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