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A Trip To Yesterday

Submitted by Apostolos "Paul... on Wed, 2024-08-07 15:39

I wish I could
Walk into
A time machine
And arrive at the
last goodbye

I have a file cabinet
in my head
Filled with things
I never said

At night my mind
shows a marathon
Of memories that
Play until the sun
Open its eyes

You have
A lifetime
Seat in
my heart

I will always
Look up above
When my soul
Thinks of you

I will be okay
As long as you
Are holding me
In your prayers

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-08-07 21:40

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "A Trip To Yesterday," effectively utilizes imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of longing and remembrance. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and structure. The lines vary significantly in length and syllabic count, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the lines "I have a file cabinet / Filled with things / I never said" could be rewritten to maintain a more consistent rhythm, such as "In my cabinet, unsaid things lie."

Secondly, the poem could use more specific and concrete imagery. While the metaphor of a "file cabinet" filled with unspoken words is compelling, the poem could delve deeper into this image. What kind of things are in the cabinet? Are they regrets, unexpressed feelings, or missed opportunities? Providing more detail would make the metaphor more vivid and impactful.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more careful attention to grammar and punctuation. For instance, the line "I going to be okay" appears to be missing a word. Correcting these small errors will make the poem more polished and professional.

Overall, the poem effectively communicates a sense of nostalgia and longing, but could be improved with more consistent rhythm, more specific imagery, and careful proofreading.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-08-07 15:56

Dear Paul,

in these lines:

At night my mind
"Plays" a marathon replace Plays with (shows) just a suggestion!
Of memories that
Play until the sun
Open its eyes

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Apostolos "Paul...

Thu, 2024-08-08 15:43

thx u

cat

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-07 23:47

Whoa...

I rarely see this side of you, [though it is much preferred].
This is raw, from the heart, but buttery smooth.
I would add a place to keep the "file cabinet".
How about :

In my head
I have a file cabinet

Nice... ~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Apostolos "Paul...

Thu, 2024-08-08 15:45