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TRIBUTARY ( edit )

It's mid-day and finds me out
easing down a dim game trail
wind's whisper has begun to shout
I wish I was still young and hale

Loud squeaks from tree limbs rubbing
in pines and oaks grown close together
they sway giving themselves a drubbing
in this blustery winter weather

The world in gray and brown and dun
except for the somber evergreens
trees dissect a faded sun
as a nearby nuthatch preens

My hike is filled with many pauses
I'm forced to give old legs rest
never mind the myriad causes
at least they still can pass this test

I follow down a twisting branch
as it dodges rocks and curves
dipping my finger I take a chance
water's so cold it shocks the nerves

Coursing to a small flood plain
as it chimes from pool to pool
amid great oaks and emerald cane
and cedar trees fit for the yule

Then it mates with a small river
in forested bottom flat and wide
January's shadows make me shiver
a doe minces along the far side

With reluctant sigh I turn around
this trek has now a limp imparted
I return by way of higher ground
nearly a mile from where I started

Back at the truck after a while
cotton clouds race in the sky
despite the pain I sit and smile
I hope to come back bye and bye

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I appreciate your suggestion. Being a beginner with no formal training in poetry don't expect instant improvement but be assured I seldom consider any poem truly finished. It would help if you were to point out areas where meter stumbles if you have the time.............scribbler

author comment

thank you for the explanation. I would never have thought of keeping syllable count uniform , but see where it will help.Watch for edit in next day or two and let me know what you think.................stan

author comment

It does sound better when read aloud, thanks................scribbler

author comment

I am always glad to bring friends along on my sojourns and also to point out areas in need of improvement whether they're trained in poetry or not lol. Glad you enjoyed this...........scribbler

author comment

Massage does little good for knee deterioration resulting from old injury, but thanks for the suggestion and kind comment..............stan

author comment

mid-day finds me out
easing down a dim game trail
wind's whisper has begun to shout
I wish I were still young and hale

Loud squeaks from tree limbs rubbing
pines and oaks have grown close together
swaying, give themselves a drubbing
how typical this winter weather

The world in gray and brown and dun
except for somber evergreens
trees divide a low and faded swatch
a nearby nut hatch preen

My hike is filled with many pauses
forced to give old legs a rest
never mind the myriad its causes
at least my legs pass their test

From this point, it's perfect, to my hearing, Scribbler...

I follow down a twisting branch
as it dodges rocks and curves
dipping my finger I take a chance
water so cold it shocks the nerves

The course leads to a small flood plain
as it chimes from pool to pool
amid great oaks and emerald cane
and cedar trees fit for the yule

Then it mates with a small river
in forested bottom flat and wide
January's shadows make me shiver
a doe minces along the far side

With reluctant sigh I turn around
as this trek a limp has now imparted
I return by way of higher ground
almost a mile from where I started

Back at the truck after a while
cotton balls racing in the sky
despite the pain I sit and smile
I hope to come back bye and bye

But then again I know jackshit about rhyming poetry except for how it sounds to my ears.

~A

I think the way a poem sounds when read aloud is what matters most. I appreciate your taking the time to write out your suggestions and will consider them in my edit. Poor ol' Jack Shit , nobody admits to knowing him lol...Hmmmm.........a possible base for a poem?.................scribbler

author comment
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