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Trapped In Space (For Metaphor Workshop)

Submitted by alidzain on Sun, 2015-09-20 15:40

How did I get here,
floating like a balloon?

Gasping,
I reached out
but there was nothing
I stared
at the vast realm
of space,
surrounded by
clustered stars
planets and galaxies,
near and far.

Each of them making me feel
like a tiny speck of dust
as I wandered aimlessly.
There is no up or down,
not a single sound.
I called out for help
but there is no reply
so I cried like a child,
gripped by panic and fear.

''Wake up!'' a familiar voice snapped
and the infinity of space disappeared
as I found my sleepy sister by my side,
shaking me like a crazed woman.
Thus end the most terrifying nightmare,
I have ever had.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Hiding emotions in metaphors

Comments

alidzain

Sun, 2015-09-20 23:11

alidzain's picture

1) The feeling of helplessness, panic, fear
2) Some decriptiions of space, its emptiness (nothing to hold on) and yet in the emptiness, there are 'things' (planets, stars)

Alid

author comment

raj

Mon, 2015-09-21 12:52

Interesting nightmare narrated pretty well Alid

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Mon, 2015-09-21 12:56

alidzain's picture

thank you very much.

Alid

author comment

Rula

Tue, 2015-09-22 00:30

Rula's picture
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and thanks again for the self assessment.
Though this is supposed to be a nightmare, it put a smile on my face while reading. I liked the twist that came at the end as it wasn't expected. It could have been more terrifying if your sister hadn't woken you up. :)
I liked also the description. But the true challenge is coming, I guess. lol

Two nit picks, if I may:
I thought [clustered] would work better than "clustering"
disappear....[disappeared]
Thank you brother for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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alidzain

Tue, 2015-09-22 12:38

alidzain's picture

Next challenge? hmmmm. Let's see, can I call in sick? lol. Bear with me abit...
I do have an idea but not sure its what you want.

Alid

author comment

scribbler

Tue, 2015-09-22 22:08

Volunteer badge

And thus find I have nothing to add to what others have already said so I'll just say "Well done"........stan

alidzain

Wed, 2015-09-23 13:25

alidzain's picture

Stan

Alid

author comment
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