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Tinnitus

Tinnitus chants more
music through doorways,
drafting feathers
distort the ear spine,
shaping uproars,
shifting the sand-
castles where silence
cradles wordlessness.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem is my first attempt writing in a Fornyrðislag style.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

about the style, but you write about tinnitus as though from experience; if so, I feel bad for you. I have tinnitus and it is every bit as bad as you say. Good writing, it held my interest all the way through and was a good read. ~ Geezer.
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Tinnitus..... I have mild case of it from the thunder of guns and cacophony of construction over the years.Those last 2 lines... I'd write "where silence once cradled wordlessness" because there is no more silence.

I like the title,
You language use is generally good,
The cadence is good,
I can relate; tinnitis is an old enemy.
Beginning and ending are good, and you stay on track with the poem and meaning, staying within the parameters you have set yourself.
I do not like this line:
"drown the ear spine"
because I don't understand it.

poetic structures of old germanic alliteration are gennerally not very easy to utilize in modern english...but you've done it.
Good poetry. Keep them coming.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

It seems there are six different Fornyrðislag styles in Old Norse poems. I’m wondering which you are emulating. Congrats on a nice piece, and congrats on attempting to write in a thousand year old style.

It likely makes more sense phonetically if the poems were written in the old Norse runes.

I have studied runes for many years now. A very interesting language of conitexts.

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