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Like This... [ A thousand words contest]
Here, like this, from past to future
Light plays a part of what he saw
It says elder teaches, a kind of nurture
Sit on my knee, just because... because
Put your fingers here, strum the strings
You'll make music work for you
I can't think of a single thing
Nothing better that you can do
His eyes took in the light and darkness
He made the paint reflect the mood
Small fingers can't yet quite caress
But grandpa teaches willing brood
Take a break from heat of day
Shaded room, the sun left out
Take a bit of time to play
This is what life is about
Slow, sonorous, plucking notes
Take the time to make them right
Press them now, learn by rote
Then one day you make them bright
You got me hooked, I fell for it
I saw the loving, tender side
I felt for just a little bit
The magic notes deep inside
Comments
Sparrow
Sun, 2017-07-09 04:19
Gee
Beautifully orchestrated, and the words painted a true picture with added facets, that the artist would have been so pleased with,
Yours Ian..
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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Geezer
Sun, 2017-07-09 10:07
Thank you...
I had hoped that I did the artist justice in using my words to describe what I thought he wanted us to see. I wanted to go with a painting that is well known, but not one of the obvious ones, such as the Mona Lisa or Scream. This one touched me right away. I also liked that he was Afro-American and won a great reputation during a time that didn't lend itself well to his race being feted for anything other than their musical ability. ~ Gee.
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vandiemenspeak
Sun, 2017-07-09 07:06
I just found the image..
It certainly does him justice. it's quite the tender subject matter, and the contrast between the light thrown on the back wall and the subtle serious busines of banjo playing depicted in the foreground. You've given this a sometime playful, sometimes earnest rendering Gee. good job. No initial crit. will give it a few reads.
Thanks,
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
Geezer
Sun, 2017-07-09 10:15
So glad that...
you liked my choice. This artist captured the moment perfectly. His use of light and shade illustrated
the points he wanted to make and he [in my opinion] enhanced the idea that the grandpa was imparting his knowledge to a youngster, who was really serious about wanting to learn. Thank you for the read and comments. ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
weirdelf
Mon, 2017-07-10 11:07
Ok, that's prety great, mate.
Apart from the last line. To me it blows the whole feeling and tone of the poem.
I suggest you revisit it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geezer
Mon, 2017-07-10 19:28
I'll look...
at it again, but I felt that it made the feeling of using the music that he made might make his life more bearable. ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Geezer
Wed, 2017-07-12 09:18
Thanks for...
asking me to take another look at those last lines, Jess. I think that what I did to change them makes it much better. ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2017-07-10 21:50
Loved it
The flow was wonderful
Read like a song
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Geezer
Wed, 2017-07-12 09:16
Thank you Barbara...
I'm really pleased that you like this one. I felt like I was there, watching the painter painting the people in the scene and that I could almost hear the notes as the boy plucked the strings. Very powerful use of light and shadow to give the scene the proper feel. ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
weirdelf
Wed, 2017-07-12 11:02
It's always magic to me,
small changes, big difference.
Let no-one say out 'art and sullen craft' is not also an exact one!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry