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Theater Macabre (revised)

Theatre Macabre

lower the house lights
in the broken-down theater
of a thousand tortured nights
hush the sequined crowd
of ragged clowns
and aged ringleaders
bring a soft spot
to center stage

awaken the sots
while the curtains descend
composing a backdrop
of claret crushed velvet
hear a pin drop
as I strike my pose
extending toes on one foot I hop
beginning the dance

in a blue light
as my body dips and spins
performing on shards of broken glass
a showcase of sins
a mad chase
ending in capture
a dispirited body
in a red illumed cage
and a torn gown of velvet and tattered lace

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
please feel free to offer suggestions as they are most welcome! thanks Cat
Editing stage: 

Comments

Glad to see you here still and how are you doing? I thought this poem was about the recent theater massacre. I see it is not. I like it but what is this
xhards
Unless you meant chards:)

Would love to hear from you and how is Dan the Man doing?

Love to you and the family
Mona
Miss you too!

I'll e-mail you! If you don't hear from me soon, then I must have the wrong address. Thanks for reading and catching that typo! I hope you are well!

love, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

powerful

just a couple of thoughts
‘hushing the sequined crowd’ – i avoid gerunds where possible – ‘hush the sequined crowd’ ?

‘awakens the sots’ – perhaps ‘awaken’ without the ‘s’ – to bring the tense in line with the rest of the write…

typo ? ‘performing on xhards of broken glass’ = do you mean ‘shards’ ?

‘in a mad chase
ending in capture
in a red illumed cage
in a torn gown of velvet and tattered lace

– a lot of ‘in’s - I’d lose some
‘a mad chase
ending in capture
a red illumed cage
and a torn gown of velvet and tattered lace’

I’d also suggest that you space it a bit for better digestion

awesome imagery here cat
a great write

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you for your absolutely needed suggestions! Much better now!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I greatly value your assessments!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

It is always a wonderful surprise when I find a critique from you! How are you?

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

It has been a long slow recovery, but I'm finally doing well after my illness. I'm tickled pink to see you here! Take care of yourself!

always, Cat (& eddy)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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