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Sweet and Evil...

Submitted by Geezer on Sat, 2023-04-22 22:39

Coal black fur and yellow eyes
no voice and gleaming teeth
This one hates real evil
he fears neither man or beast

Killer smiles and touches him
Anubis quivers now
"Relax my precious friend
we'll get to him somehow"

In the big and dark old house
the evil waits for them
It knew that they would come
it knows, that now is when

Unlock the door and let them in
so eager to engage
Confident in his power
and his unmatched rage

Anubis sunk his teeth in arm
the evil yelled and swore
Killer swung his Bowie knife
stabbed him three times more

No quarter asked or given
'til the death, this be
This rapist and murderer
couldn't be let free

Killer grabbed him by the throat
Anubis by the balls
twisted screams, elicited
echoing down the halls

The battle tore the den apart
"Den of Iniquity"
The fireplace down to embers
made it hard to see

There seemed to be an advantage
red-hot tongs upon the side
Killer used them, grabbed the place
that crotchless pants provide

Curling, shriveled fingers
sending smoke into the air
and now, a lifeless body
with a vacant stare

"Good boy", he pets Anubis
tonight we have a feast
The flesh of evil is so tender
it is delightful meat"

The sound of bubbling water
pots of stainless steel
Delicious smells of spice
gives a gourmet feel

"Long Pig" is on the menu
Two diners set to eat
This evil's going to be tasty
You know it will be sweet!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-04-22 22:39

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sweet and Evil" tells the story of an Anubis and Killer teaming up to take down a rapist-murderer. The poem is told in a straightforward narrative style, with little emphasis on imagery or metaphors. The poem's strength lies in its ability to create a sense of tension and danger, particularly during the battle between the two sides.

However, the poem's lack of imagery and metaphors can also be seen as a weakness. The poem could benefit from more descriptions that help the reader visualize the scene and the characters. Additionally, some of the lines feel clunky and could use some editing for smoother flow.

For example, the line "he's afraid of man nor beast" could be edited to "he's not afraid of man or beast" for clearer phrasing. Overall, "Sweet and Evil" is an engaging narrative poem that could benefit from stronger imagery and editing for smoother flow.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Sun, 2023-04-23 06:49

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I think the AI got some of the analysis right.

I was confused by the line "he's afraid of man nor beast" as it's unclear what you mean here. I liked the idea of using the poem for removing such a character and cooking and eating him.

The line, "This evil's going to be marvelous" felt a little clunky, maybe you can rephrase it to get a better rhythm with "This evil will taste marvelous"

I think you created a sense of tension and imagery, and I like that the rapist got what he deserved.

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-23 09:42

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and Anubis have been around a long time and have been having adventures like this along with killer's brother Sir Gee.
I have made a few changes in this one and am glad that everyone has so far been glad of Killer's vigilantism and the result.
Thanks for the read and critique. I used your advice, not exactly, but...
~ Geezer.
.

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Unca Fez

Sun, 2023-04-23 08:37

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I don't like AI's suggestion for "he's afraid of man nor beast". I'd suggest "fears neither man nor beast". I did like the narrative and suspenseful action, though... and, of course, the ending. Quite appropriate.

Thanx,
Steve

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-23 09:44

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if everyone else is. I liked your suggestion for that line and used it! Thanks. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-04-23 12:13

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Thinks Killer is dull....I thought the red hot tongs were quite lively and my favorite part of the poem. Offenders beware of crotchless pants in Killers presence. As always...I enjoy seeing Killer and Anubis make an appearance in their usual way. I wouldn't change a thing.

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-23 15:15

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were because of where Anubis grabbed him in the beginning of the encounter. I thought that you would like that part. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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Obadiah Grey

Sun, 2023-04-23 12:26

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Why am I humming "The Devil went down t' Georgia"
and tapping an unruly bent big toe?

(We're gonna have to ween you off crotchless pants, Geez.)

Obi.............

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-23 15:31

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not for me! The evil one got a big piece chewed out of his pants by Anubis! Thanks for the read and comments. You're not playing a banjo, by any chance, are you? ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2023-04-24 11:22

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Hi, Geezer,
Another epic Killer adventure. The city is safe, and all may sleep soundly. Not sure why, the bubbly water image is the most vivid of all, for me. You're killin' me, here...
Great job!
L
Companions:
** neither/nor
** either/or

Geezer

Mon, 2023-04-24 15:23

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I think I must have been influenced by my wife making chicken soup! LoL
It's a good way to get rid of leftovers! Killer learned that from her, BTW. Killer loves to watch the water start bubbling and think about how it would be, shoving somebody's face into it and hearing the burbles of screams breaking the surface! Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, stainless steel pots... Next one is a cute [till the end] one about my neighborhood cats! Thanks again, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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Seren

Fri, 2023-06-16 10:27

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Sigh and a smile, Killer and I have known each other a very long time and you know my thoughts on his actions. What some call vigilantism, I call Justice ;) I loved this story as I loved the poem.

I can see nothing to change at this late stage, can I ask did you show me this one? because damn it seems familiar. No matter I love it all the same.

Say hi to Killer and Anubis for me :)

love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Geezer

Fri, 2023-06-16 11:17

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if there was a private viewing for you as there has been on other occasions, I may have just posted, as I have my moods, you know? Thanks for the read and always welcome comments. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Seren

Fri, 2023-06-16 12:14

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I felt like I'd read it before I had deja vu, and don't we all have our moods? Big smiles

Much love and higgliest bugs Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Geezer

Fri, 2023-06-16 13:04

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I was a little perturbed by that comment from the AI, but realize that it follows a set of rules, without taking into consideration the intonations or emotional levels. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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