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Sun Rise in USA....The sun did rise finally!

Sun Rise in USA

A week ago in Chicago
guys did not know
whether ever again
the sun will glow

and

on plantations
seeds, farmers again will sow
so they wanted to stay
indoors and human seeds lay
whilst in bed

perhaps God will urge
the Americans to curb
as more population is born

so they may save trillions
needed so much
to clean and polish
the world as such
as in peace as in war
then once again
be felt as privileged ones
around the world
as sun rises
later again somehow!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I've heard those northern women are hot. Perhaps it's a survival mechanism to stay warm lol.....stan

me too
not 4 u

author comment

not really, I've already got about all i can handle with Susan lol

desire surges
but love merges
we have to make do
silently

author comment

I too, wish that our population boom would level out. Perhaps if we were to inaugurate a program that puts emphasis on being ready for parent-hood and birth-control. Required! As to your work here, I think you got your idea across, but need to work on being a bit clearer. [I can't figure out what you mean by [then once again be felt as special ones from door to door. Overall, good work! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

after a very long time,
I shall re see
where lies the shallow valley

author comment

a good theme again but you trip yourself up and fuzz the point.
Still you are writing fine and I am reading but we will see what you do with this one,
Take care young Bard, Yours, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

i read Stan
you don't
then i read xyz
and u don't
then I comment
and you don't

so what in the seven seas
will u say u know
what in hell
i say or i won't?

author comment

I do read Stan and A-Z of poetry forms also read Loved's poetry and all the winges of which this is a bad one, Yours Ian. T

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I will give you my edit, only if you try for yourself, first, to get rid of the waffle

It also, to my read anyway, seems to contradict itself....
Copulating indoors is more likely to increase population
?? :)
I know what you are trying to say there, I think, by the next lines, but you don't make your thought clear

Saying that, I get the gist of the write, and think it has a great core.
Try edit it a bit....

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

as and when the sun returns
in US of A

author comment

SELF EDIT
Sun Rose in USA

copulation is the act
seeds* are sperms
20 million per males spoonful discharge
only one counts as it penetrates the single woman's ovum you know Judy
All yours to burn the waffle
I'll accept it

*human sperm

author comment

You have added to it
want to try again?
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Sun Rise in USA
Reading your poem
I thought, Americans
the sun had caught

a week in Chicago
guys did not know
whether ever again
the sun will glow

and

on plantations
seeds, farmers again will sow

so they wanted indoors to stay
human seeds lay
whilst in bed

perhaps then God
will the Americans urge
to curb
birth of more population
maybe superb

so they may save trillions
needed so much
to clean and polish
the world as such
as in peace, hospitalization
as in war, mutilation
then once again
be felt as privileged ones

as sun once again rose!

maybe this slashes
much of the waffle ...Judy

author comment

I would cut the first stanza
maybe take out the 'then' in 'perhaps then god'
cut 'maybe superb'
- and I think you have done a great job on this on your own
and I'm glad that you changed it to a stanza format rather than the word wall :)
Clever loved

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

modified it slightly
do okay it please

author comment

But it is your poem, and you know what you want to say
I really don't understand what you are trying to say with 'door to door'
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

around the world==(((((door to door
USA guys need no VISA
to go any where
they reign supreme
did u know???

author comment
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