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In A Stranger Mind

Submitted by Killer Bee on Sun, 2022-12-11 03:49

Off on sorts, I do not come by
Here so often anymore

As the sky is murk and filth
And the water taste of tension
I stop and watch my reflection
in its own way growing stranger

Off on sorts, I do not come by
Where the Tui bird plays
As I fear - my fear
To linger here
Yet, she sneaks another day

Off on sorts, I lost my way
I often catch the shaking stray
To feed and feed
Bones for coffin meat
Till I can no longer stay

Off on sorts,
To feed on thoughts
I remember my own disarray

As I lost the sky
And drank the water dry
See the Tui bird and I -
have flown away
In a strangers mind

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
To me this is about being 'off on thoughts' and by that I mean lost in thought, and the feeling of being a stranger to yourself. How nothing is clear, and everything is murky. In the end we tend to fly away in our own thoughts, lost and fearful and strange.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week Contest December 11th to 17th 2022
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2022-12-11 15:06

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to make the picture as I would remember it. I have been down that lonely lane and looking at the murky sky and the filthy water, not understanding how I came to be there. Wondering where is the real world? I found this to be ever so slightly disturbing and poignant. I don't know as I would be able to change anything here, without changing the feel of the whole thing. ~ Geez.
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Lavender

Sun, 2022-12-11 20:08

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Hello,
I agree, this is very poignant. I like the reference to the Tui bird, which I had never heard of before. The quick study I did led me to believe it is listed as endangered. Don't know your full intention, but it added meaning and depth to the poem for me. Strong last stanza,
Thank you,
L

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