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Storms Kill...

Killer fell into the doorway
of the weather-beaten shack
Dry wind sucked the breath from him
and the storm fed on his track

He dragged his bedroll behind him
shut the door and latched it
His strength had gone long ago
the desert wind had snatched it

His thirst for retribution
brought him to the desert
The heat had taken his water
his throat was dry and hurt

A storm of huge proportions
sand carried in the air
Stuffed his nose and blinded him
it was everywhere!

The wind howled and shook the cabin
screamed at him and said
"I'll leave your bones to find, dear sir
after you are dead"

Killer rolled up in his blankets
thought he'd wait it out
Then the door banged open
a shape fell in with a shout

He pushed the door and braced it
with his back and then
He saw Killer lying there
in this devil's den

"Hey what a storm out there, huh?
How long have you been here?"
and from his dusty pack
took out two tepid beers

"I've only just the two, he said
but you're welcome one
I guess that we'll be here awhile
before this storm is done

And they set to talking loud
o'er the blowing sand
Asked each other for identity
shook one another's hand

They talked about where they'd been
and what brought them here
The storm raged on and howled at them
as they slowly sipped that beer

The hours passed in chatting
the winds blew fierce and hard
the sand piled up at the door
there were dunes in their front-yard

The stranger was fast asleep
when the storm blew past
Killer grabbed his head and twisted
his duty done at last

Now a body sleeps in the sand
a mummy in a while
and Killer left the desert
on an A.T.V. in style

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Not as bloody as most Killer stories, but certainly ruthless! The victim had his uses and rather than be cooped up with a body for hours, he chose to wait until it was more convienient to dispatch him. Everything in it's time and place.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

the description of the sand storm is epic. I was caught in a sandstorm in near Lincoln Nebraska when I was a kid/around eleven. it was blinding and in every orifice it could reach. we went to visit my aunt at Maple Wood academy where she was graduating. some guy(with big hands) in the parking lot rescued me. *hugs, Cat

Killer, you must have felt almost triumphant, as you sat with your beer, knowing your foe was in your sights, having a bead on him! and soon you would overcome and have satisfaction...this while you regained your strength. then to strike fast, disposing of him so neatly! it was a humane kill. I congratulate you your conquest! fantastic poem, I loved every morsel of it!
ever, eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Yes, a sandstorm is unlike any other kind of storm. It has a solidity to it, not like rain or snow; and you know not to breathe it in
Maybe that's the difference?
Thank you eddy; Yes, killer does like to have a nice, neat kill now and then; especially when there isn't any water to wash up with. Of course, this guy couldn't know that Killer was on his trail, and he would be "dusted". It was such a delight that he had left the A.T.V. right outside the shack. It was half-buried, but quickly brushed off and started up on the first try! Marvelous machines they make these days, huh? ~ Killer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

you have to constantly shield your eyes to keep the sand out.

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Love the title. Good story telling. Totally coherent, linear. Works well for me. You didn’t ask for critique on the meter but I guess if you were so inclined, there might be one or two lines that could be tightened up. That takes a lot for me to say. I think you’re pretty brilliant and I’d advise to follow your gut and take my criticism lightly.

Tim

I inadvertently left out the instruction to give advice/comment on my pattern, pace and rhythm. I would be happy to look at
anything you care to share with me. I think you have a good ear and would like to hear what you have to say. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Love this poem! It's kind of like an updated Robert Service, Ballad of a Checkako sort of thing. I always enjoy a good ballad when it tells a story. I have never been in a sandstorm, despite partly growing up on the Prairies where they used to have those things from time to time. Although I have been in a couple of hurricanes (and rather liked the experience) and plenty of blizzards, sandstorms and tornadoes are two I have not experienced. (I long to see a tornado, but not sure about the sandstorm.) Writing a compelling ballad is an art form that to me, has been greatly under-rated, despite the disdain of academics and critics for the form. (Service was accused, in his day, of being a mere versifier and imitator of Kipling. He agreed with the first criticism and was pleased with the second, because he was a great admirer of Kipling. Service' Poetry survives and people still read it and derive enjoyment from it. No one remembers any of his critics. The same applies to the Roman Poet, Martial, who has been referred for 2,000 years as the supreme Aphorist, yet, in his day, he was castigated by critics, all of whom have vanished without trace and whom we would know nothing about if Martial hadn't written a short an pity aphorism about them.) Keep u writing the ballads! I will definitely find them entertaining.

I written ballads about a number of people, not just Killer. There are a couple of my favorites that you might read; if you are inclined. I would be interested in what you think of them. A couple of them are comedic and I would love to see how present-day readers of Neo. react to them. I list these ballads as my favorites:

The Devil's Ride
And He Smiled
The Mad Fruitfly of Seville
Snackboy
Racing Nights
I will be happy to reply to any comments and criticisms. Thank you, ~Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Are the posted on here? I would definitely like to read them. I have written the odd narrative poem from time to time, but they are not ballads. (I also wrote an epic in 2105 to 2016, but couldn't;t find anyone interested in publishing it) It was sort of post-apocalyptic (except that the apocalypse is ongoing) and an attempt to describe the future that is coming if we don't get serious about dealing with out environmental problems. (Every other thing I havre read in this genre is so far out to lunch, I felt obliged, as a Scientist, to try to write something plausible.) It doesn't detail the events leading up to the collapse of civilisation, but does allude to those in the narrative, including a pandemic, which I only rediscovered last year after re-reading the thing! (I wa actually looking for something else, which is why I reread it:It had to do with either the origin of Life or the origin of the Cell Nucleus. My main character is keenly interested in Science and is a thinker as well as an adventurer, which is why he is selected by his community to go out and explore the post-Collapse world to look for survivours.)

I should note that his first big battle, since it is set in Northern BC, is with mosquitos!

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