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STORM COMING

1.
storm coming, news of the day
cars crawling along causeway
wind howling, foaming whitecaps
surf promising, to alter the map
yet she stands her ground, shift as it may

2.
sea cannot drown her, it flows in her veins
wind cannot down her, her voice is its song
waves cannot shake her, her stance is too strong
when she and the dolphins are all that remain
she’s as placid as the eye of the hurricane

3.
when the wind has at last lost its breath
when the waves have finally collapsed
when the beach is scattered with debris
when the sandlings have returned to their feast
trace her path by the print of her feet

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Use of language is to the point. Excellent metaphors in the second stanza that lend themselves nicely to the allegorical nature of the work. Nice meter. I like the timing it leaves you needing air kinda like the power of a big awesome storm. Which is the theme; not just a storm but the internal type; very appealing. I think it’s orderly and coherent in its beginning and ending. Makes beautiful sense. I also think there is allegory here that other people might connect with that maybe I’m not picking up on after just two reads. Anyway, definitely keep writing you’re talented.

thank you for the kind words. this derived from a poem I was writing in a dream, and was actually supposed to be about contemporary politics: the storm being a civil war. But when I woke up, all the wording was nearly gone. I tried to retrieve them, but this was the best I could come up with.

author comment

it is very nice to meet you! welcome to Neopoet. great poem. the title is a little bit bland but it does prepare the reader for the meat of the poem :) my favorite lines are the middle of the piece I guess I am a bit chaotic, Lol!

sea cannot drown her, it flows in her veins
wind cannot down her, her voice is its song
waves cannot shake her, her stance is too strong
when she and the dolphins are all that remain
she’s as placid as the eye of the hurricane

I like the energy and strength of those lines.
I have no suggestions. I liked your poem very much.

*hugs, Cat

*

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Unless the author sees some glaring wart that they cannot live with I think this is completed. Just my two cents. Well done.

thank you!
(of course my tendency is to fidget with things every time I look at them)

author comment

thank you!
it's great to be in this environment.

author comment

While I appreciated the theme, and most of the meter was alright, I was disappointed to see that you did not continue with rhyme at the end in the last stanza. I think that you have a great poem in the making, and would hope that you will finish it with the same strong ending, as you have the start. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Geezer, you are absolutely right, this poem is imperfect. It's a tough call, whether to contrive a rhyme, or, as they say in some circles, just let the rough side drag....
--fellow geezer

author comment

I understand the frustration and unwillingness to go on
with a poem that has been reworked a number of times already.
Especially one that didn't go the way I wanted it to.
However, I have had enormous luck with some that took off on their own
and went their own way, while people said "Wow, that's great",and had a completely
different view of what it meant! LoL. In that case, I just go with the flow and
let them think that was my intention all along! For instance, I truly thought that
this was a tale about a really bad storm! In which case, you may take the advice
I am about to give you and toss it to the wind.

When the wind has at last, lost its' breath
when the beach is scattered with debris
When she and the dolphins escaping West
are lost from the sight of me
I will trace her track of death

I had to use a little near-rhyme to make a match with breath and West, but if
someone has a lisp? LoL
~ Geezer.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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