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Stop romanticising immortality, dear butterfly
Life eternally surrounds him,
Shifting through time
Dancing around his scythe
Like a butterfly in the wind
Blissfully unaware
Of its imminent death
Flirtation with Grim Reaper
Being the one true thing
Keeping her heart beating
Toying and teasing
He watches her grow old
Imortalising her youth
But at what cost?
For a romance with the grim reaper
Has never been known
To be one of stability
Or compassion.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2022-09-20 10:14
I am not sure...
of how eternity can be in the cards for a something that flirts with death, unless it is life itself?
I think the first line might say:
"Life eternally surrounds him". Of course, it is up to you, as it is your work and maybe I'm not seeing it as you might have written it. The title seems to have little to do with the piece, unless you meant for the word [immorality] to be [immortality]?
Then it would be more fitting. ~Geezer.
.
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anonymus
Tue, 2022-09-20 20:41
Thank you
I have applied your feedback, it was very helpful! I do have issues with spelling, the title had meant to read as “immortality”, not “immorality”, thank you for pointing that out for me.
The butterfly is a metaphor for life, as in my eyes it is life’s purest form. They do not live long, I was thinking that if I were a butterfly, I would wish for longer days on this earth. “Do not romanticise immortality”, to me, meant to not admire and wish for a life never ending, our world can be cruel, I don’t think anyone should live forever.
It was a late night ramble piece, it may not make sense for everyone, but I enjoyed writing it nonetheless, thank you for your advice to make it more clear!
author commentAbby
Fri, 2022-09-23 13:59
I like the metaphor you have
I like the metaphor you have going.
"To fly is to fall."