Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Spreading wings FV creation

Submitted by Triskelion on Fri, 2021-07-30 11:16

The marriage of Oeagrus

sandal dust rose
in the overcast affliction
of midday
I was reaching for rain
when
horizon born Calliope
touching clouds like a spear
appeared
her lustrous beauty
in an instance of blinding fire
ate my nakedness

approaching
but then again
a vision of the wind in flux

Oh, save me

the lamb of subjection covered me
the smell of sandal dust
and steel mixed with blood
I begged her eyes

highlighting her golden girdle
soporific sunshine
slept...
for this age of waste, was,
in my eyes
as I wept

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Hope it's okay. I expanded on an exercise in free verse. I don't really appreciate the (form) like others do, but thought I would throw this out there to the sharks.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

scribbler

Fri, 2021-07-30 12:43

Volunteer badge

But I have found doing so once in a while actually helps me in my preferred western classic writing. I suggest you also "force" youself to write in free verse outside this shop some for the same reason

Geezer

Sat, 2021-07-31 12:17

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

a nice change to pursue that free verse, every now and then. When you catch it right, it is a great trophy. I enjoyed this one from you. I would change just one thing! In the line; "the smell of sandal dust" I would use [sandalwood] instead of sandal dust. Most people know the smell of sandalwood and it is an exceedingly pleasant smell which can be associated with the idea of olfactory use in this line. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Triskelion

Mon, 2021-08-02 13:15

Triskelion's picture
Volunteer badge

I'm not sure how to respond to your comments. In a sense, when I prepare to write a traditional poem, I do sort of arrange my thoughts in (free verse) before I begin. Does that make sense?

Geezer, Is there any particular stanza that you like more than another?

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2021-08-03 09:14

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

the last one. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Obadiah Grey

Tue, 2021-08-03 13:47

Obadiah Grey's picture
Volunteer badge

Some wonderful phrases in this!

Very muchly enjoyed.
Obi.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.