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So Real

Submitted by Hannah Moonlark on Fri, 2020-01-10 22:32

It was
So real

My boots in the winter snow
The sock monkey in her hands
Her bright red hair

Her beautiful face

Her beautiful voice
That gives me colonies of butterflies
That
Sends me to a place where
I am great

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
I do not like this poem very much. Would like some help with the editing!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

themoonman

Sat, 2020-01-11 12:46

themoonman's picture
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There are always improvements that
can made. Some simple suggestions,
don't use the word "beautiful" unless
it is the only fit and certainly don't use it
twice.

Sometime a shorter version may help,
like for your ending ... most of the same words,
and meaning;

Sends me colonies of butterflies,
where I am great.

Hannah Moonlark

Thu, 2020-01-16 17:33

Hannah Moonlark's picture

Thanks for the suggestions!

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2020-01-18 04:53

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Either click on 'Edit' and make the changes you agree with or else tell these seasoned, published and very good poets why it is ok to use the word 'beautiful' at all, let alone twice.

You know we all volunteer to help you and others, when feedback is ignored, it doesn't have to be accepted but anyone in the world of poetry will tell you the word 'beautiful' is always a cop-out in poetry.

There is so much potential here. You have caught the attention of some of our best. Please work on it and join my workshop, you need it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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