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Snake In The Soul
When the slithering snake strikes,
the mortal hearts lose their sight
and the thinking minds takes a hike,
desires will bloom in the wake of blight
and innocence will be stripped away
by hands that weave the fabric of sin.
The soul will soon be led astray,
the snake in the soul will claim its win.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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singapore
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Comments
alidzain
Sat, 2016-12-17 16:21
Jerry, it's interesting that you think that way
when haiku and senryu are 3 line formated poems. I write this short poem to practice meter and I am hoping someone will point out if there is a mistake in that. As a learning writer, I need input, advice and suggestions for improvement. In my humble opinion, its better to write a short poem which you can easily correct rather than a long one because you can see where you've gone wrong better. This is, after all a place to learn.
That said, this is still just a draft. I'm still figuring out how to potray the rest of it in words bit by bit.
Alid
author commentalidzain
Sun, 2016-12-18 12:03
Lol
like I said in my reply, this poem wasn't finished at that time. English is not my native tongue so sometimes I struggle when I want to describe what I wanted to say and that takes time. How do you find the poem now?
Alid
author commentKeith Logan
Mon, 2016-12-19 03:31
A point of grammar
I appreciate English is not your first language so please don't take this as criticism. It is meant kindly as a pointer for future reference.
When the slithering snake does strikes
This line reads not well.
When the slithering snake does strike
or
When the slithering snake strikes
of the two I recommend the latter.
The use of does in that way is now quite archaic.
If it was further down the poem it might not matter,
but the fact it is in the opening line makes it more important.
As to the meter, it is solid enough, no worries.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
alidzain
Mon, 2016-12-19 16:27
Keith
thank you so much.
Alid
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