Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Sleep

I fade slowly into the ether
Just another fighting soul
Im I old or just irrellevent?
A has-been without a goal?

As i slide into oblivion
What do I need to say?
I wish for health and happiness
I wish my loved ones to be ok

Now that sleep is gripping my brain
Is this the final one for me?
Or will I wake again tomorrow in pain?
I guess what will be will be

My eyes have closed and the fog descends
I sink deep into the abyss
No it's only the day not my whole life's end
I'll greet the dawn once more with a kiss

By Leanne Hogton

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Firstly, the poem's title, "The Sleep," effectively captures the central theme of the poem - the speaker's contemplation of mortality as they slip into sleep. The opening line, "I fade slowly into the ether," sets a dreamy, ethereal tone that is maintained throughout the poem.

However, the poem's structure feels a bit uneven. The first two stanzas are introspective and introspective, posing questions about the speaker's sense of self-worth and purpose. The third stanza abruptly shifts focus to the world at large, with a somewhat jarring reference to dietary choices. The final stanza returns to the speaker's experience, but the shift in tone feels disjointed.

In terms of language, the poem is somewhat lacking in imagery and sensory detail. While the dreamy, otherworldly tone is effective, the poem could benefit from more concrete descriptions to ground the reader in the speaker's experience.

One suggested line edit could be to change "Is this the last one for me?" to "Is this the final one for me?" - "final" feels like a more definitive and impactful word choice in this context.

Overall, while the poem has a clear sense of tone and theme, some structural and descriptive issues prevent it from fully resonating with the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

the sudden, jarring departure from the narrative, is typical of Alzheimer's patients in later stages. This lends itself to the authenticity of the poem. I don't believe that it is really written from the patient's point of view, but rather an outsider who may be close, a nursing staffer or relative. It is true that the alteration of the words [last one] to [final] is a good choice, and makes it seem that much more definitive. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

If I may indulge you further could you please appraise the changes I have made?

author comment

I hope that my comments didn't prompt a change that you felt was necessary to agree with what I said. Unless that was the way you meant it. I merely felt that the view of the patient was from an outside source. Not that it was wrong in any sense. I liked the thought that someone was/is keeping such a close eye on things and wondering about the thoughts of the person.
I enjoyed the theme, the thought and the wish to know if what changes you have made are good ones. Yes, I do, but only if that is the way you wrote it in the first place!

I also like the thought that the person/patient feels hopeful that tomorrow is going to be a good day. ~ Nice work! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.