Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Sky Tanka

I look up and see

What the sky has always sent

Sun and rain with love

A warmed-up day that feels good

Rain comes then everything grows

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem adheres to the traditional Japanese Tanka structure of five lines with a 5-7-5-7-7 syllable count. The imagery is clear and evokes a sense of the natural world, particularly the sky and its effects on the earth.

However, the third line, "Sunshine, rain with love," could be improved. The phrase "rain with love" is somewhat ambiguous. It could be interpreted as the rain being sent with love, or it could be read as a list of three separate things: sunshine, rain, and love. A clearer phrasing or punctuation could help to resolve this ambiguity.

The phrase "A warmed-up day that feels good" is a bit prosaic compared to the rest of the poem. Consider using more evocative language to describe the sensation of a warm day.

The last line, "Rain comes and everything grows," effectively summarizes the theme of the poem. However, it could be more powerful if it were more specific. For example, instead of "everything grows," you might mention specific things that grow because of the rain.

Overall, the poem effectively uses the Tanka form and presents a clear theme and imagery. With some refinement, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

A refreshing unique twist on the contest
Excellent

Thanks Tawny,
Mark

read/comment it's a win win
I was here now I disappear..

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.