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SILENT SONGS ( extremely rare title change)

A mute choir exits from my pen
and lands upon an empty page
where my verses all begin.
They lie there silently and age.

No voices join to sing them out
so they can't be remembered as a song
to be hummed or talked about
or even recalled for too long.

There is no accompanying scale
to guide the way it should be read
smoothing the rhythm of my tale.
The words alone supply it instead.

And every once in a great while
I manage to write some little thing
which, I hope, makes others smile
when it still manages to sing.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hello Scribbler,

I very much enjoyed your poem, however I think a different title may suit it better. Your poem makes reference to choir, voices, and singing, but my understanding is that a symphony would only include instrumentals. You could try to utilize a term like cantata which gives the reader a choral implication, or if you want to maintain the alliteration you may consider something like retinent rhapsody. A rhapsody in music is thought of mainly as instumental like the symphony, however alternate definitions of the word have it refering to irregular poems and epic poems giving the word a double meaning in the context of your poem.

Title it however you feel best, but you may want to look into the definitions of some of the other musical terms available to see if there is one that works better for you!

Keep Writing!

-silens zeta

It's always a pleasure to see a new name pop up on one of my works. And you hit the nail on the head as far as title goes. You should see the notebook page on which this was originally written. It has 5 other titles which were crossed out lol. But there's this thing I have. I don't hardly ever change a title once I post a poem. I have over 600 poems here and I can only recall changing a title twice. It might be that I fear folks might think I've tried to trick them into reading a poem again by changing the title. But it isn't Just that. Your critique of the title is both accurate and reasonable so I won't throw it out out of hand. I'll consider it..........but it will take a while to come up with a new one even if I do go against my tendency.

I appreciate your dropping by for a read and giving the poem and its title enough thought to offer an honest idea............stan

author comment

You have never failed to entertain in a way or another with your words. This is a good example of how light is your poetry and always a pleasure to read.

Few suggestions if you don't mind though;

A mute choir exits from my pen
and lands upon an empty page
where my verses all begin.
They lie there silently and age.( no matter how I read this line it's a bit off by the end. Maybe silent for age? Silent and aging?) still not sure about it.

No voices join to sing them out
so they can't be recalled as a song
to be hummed or talked about
or even recalled for too long.(try to drop "even") for a smoother rhythm

There is no accompanying scale
to guide the way it's read
smoothing the rhythm of my tale.
The words must supply it instead.( the punctuation of the two last line need some rework, I think) Unless I am missing something.

And every once in a great while
I manage to write some little thing
which, I hope, makes others smile
when it still manages to sing

As usual your closing lines amaze me and I go jealous of your talent. ((smiles))

Much enjoyed.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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double entry

author comment

I expect Everybody likes to read the end of my poems . It means no more pain lol. But seriously I thank you for that. I work pretty hard on trying to end things well. I'm gonna give your suggestions some thought also but won't be editing for a while. I find letting stuff sit makes changes easier to both spot and execute. Sometimes something as small as swapping places with two words or changing a single word is all that's needed. As always, I appreciate your dropping by...........stan

author comment
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