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a silence peace unfolds

Submitted by Seren on Wed, 2023-03-01 09:18

Through the eye of the valley
on silent darkened fields
the clouds gather round
unfinished souls are healed

as the light of the moon
falls upon their form
a shimmer in the night
and the veil of time is torn

earthly bonds untied
pooling into the unknown
kneeling on the air
spirits bow to be atoned

glistening mists approach
shining like the morn
resting on their bodies
their spirits finally shorn

coiling from their hearts
are filigreed crystal beads
these are the memories
these are their living seeds

arising from true north
the winds pick up their souls
and now finally in the valley
silenced peace unslowly rolls

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Seren

Wed, 2023-03-01 11:49

Seren's picture

I'm glad you liked it. There will never be true peace in my time. Maybe one day when man stops being so greedy and deceitful.

I watch the night, sometimes things come out of it. This was another story that come out of the darkness.

I know what you mean about the title but if I change silence to silent the meaning changes. And that's not what I wanted to convey.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting. It's always appreciated. BTW I really got a smile out of your latest. Big one.

Jayne xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2023-03-01 12:51

lovedly's picture

.

Seren

Wed, 2023-03-01 12:52

Seren's picture

Smiles

filigreed

adjective

ornamented with or resembling filigree work.

"white filigreed stockings"

Hope that helps. Thanks for reading this one.

Hugs and love Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2023-03-01 13:03

lovedly's picture

I had removed it do u oversee ah!

Seren

Wed, 2023-03-01 13:39

Seren's picture

Ummm why bring it up then?

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

lovedly

Thu, 2023-03-02 08:18

lovedly's picture

.

Seren

Thu, 2023-03-02 10:05

Seren's picture

I've never held with being told what to do sweets. I was the rebel child. Lol wink ;)

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Wed, 2023-03-01 17:03

Rosewood Apothecary's picture
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I just like when I don’t have to think about the rhythm. I think I read a lot of free verse where I’m not sure the line breaks are working. Yours is usually near perfect.

This thing is gorgeous and musical.
Tim

Seren

Thu, 2023-03-02 10:07

Seren's picture

I actually didn't think anyone would like this one much, I'm really chuffed when you hear the music. Because it's in my head when I write. It's something I can't stop or want to. To me the two hold hands and are one.

Thanks for the kind compliment.

Cheers

Jayne

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Lavender

Wed, 2023-03-01 22:22

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Hi, Jayne,
I love a poem that uses the "un" form of a word. It has always seemed softer and a bit more mysterious - it actually causes the reader to think a little deeper without even realizing it. I can almost hear music as I read this. Gentle, at first, and then becoming stronger as the souls and their hearts and filigreed crystal beads are picked up by the north winds. This feels like it is speaking not just about human beings, but all earthly beings.
Lxxx

Seren

Thu, 2023-03-02 10:12

Seren's picture

The "un" words do make you think deeper and longer about a line of any type of writing because you're kind of turning it round in your head making bigger meanings. This was speaking about existence, all of it. It was actually the everything of life that I see out the big window in front of my desk. I can type and look out the window at the same time and sometimes they write themselves and I'm like where did that come from. It's an otherworldly experience.

Thanks for the generous comment. I truly appreciate it.

Much love J xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Triskelion

Thu, 2023-03-02 02:10

Triskelion's picture
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I enjoy the vocabulary in this piece. Just for personal reasons, I do like lovedly's suggestion of silentLY darkened fields. It brings out another layer. The title is an unusual pairing of words in that
"a silence peace" doesn't really jive, although possibly grammatically justifiable, it seems adding a "d" to silence like you have in your final line works better for me. ..hmm...not warming up to "unslowly" at all, at all. Perhaps you like the flair of it, though. Kudos!
I am happy to see some structure and rhyme also.

Cheers; Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Seren

Thu, 2023-03-02 10:18

Seren's picture

I appreciate the suggestions I will give them some serious consideration, I'm always open to edits. Thanks for your critique it's truly appreciated.

I intersperse my writing with free-form and rhyme. I'm also working on other forms which I've never tried. One in particular has only just been invented would be the best word. So I'm having a lash at it.

Cheers Seren

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2023-03-02 07:33

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you surely make it difficult to choose favorite lines...but after several readings, I can honestly say, I like these lines best:

coiling from their hearts
are filigreed crystal beads
these are the memories
these are their living seeds

you have a style all your own, and it shines through!

*love, Siscat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Seren

Thu, 2023-03-02 10:21

Seren's picture

I am so happy you liked this one it was a weird experience when I wrote it. I was looking out the window and then this came to me and this is it. I also particularly like those lines.

Thank you so much for the read it's truly appreciated

Love you always Lilbit xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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