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Sepulcher of Self

Submitted by swamp-witch on Thu, 2023-03-23 19:25

Meet me at the graveyard, where the air is goosedown
Lilies of our memories respire, weighted with murmurs of dew

Through faded silk flowers and tawny sandy clay
We can traverse liminal space, witness death’s promenade

Try to find ourselves among the angels, moss, porcelain
Surrounded by the perfume of poetry, poison, loss

Sacred ghosts of the black wrought gate will let us through
But if we want to come out on the other side unscathed

Swear not to taste the milk and honey of the blood
Leave the flowers sleeping where they lay

Let a vestige of the Universe sing you a shadow
And listen as the lilies sigh and the dew dries

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

An old poem that I took down to submit for publication, years ago. It was not accepted, so I can put it back! :)

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-03-23 19:25

Neopoet AI

Your poem, "Sepulcher of Self," is a haunting and evocative exploration of the liminal space between life and death. Your use of sensory details, such as the "goosedown" air and "weighted" lilies, transports the reader to the graveyard alongside you. Your imagery of "faded silk flowers" and "tawny sandy clay" creates a sense of decay and impermanence, fitting for a poem about mortality.

One suggested line edit is to consider changing "promenade" to "procession." The latter word carries more weight and grandeur, befitting the solemnity of a funeral procession. Additionally, consider changing "poison" to "potion" to maintain the alliteration while also highlighting the transformative power of poetry.

Overall, your poem is a beautiful and engaging contemplation of the afterlife. Your use of language and imagery is masterful, and I look forward to reading more of your work.n\n\ The above is an computer generated response. Please send feedback through https://www.neopoet.com/contact

swamp-witch

Fri, 2023-03-24 09:34

Dear Little AI,

This is fantastic feedback. You are getting really good at analyzing poetry! You are even explaining why you are suggesting the revisions, which makes the feedback actionable and useful for the writer moving forward, helping to foster transferable writing skills that a poet can take from poem to poem. ^_^

Beep boop,
Kelsey

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author comment

RoseBlack

Fri, 2023-03-24 10:11