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Self-sacrifice

Submitted by drewdionp on Wed, 2016-02-10 15:43

There's these feelings inside of me I can not explain
I feel like I'm dying or going insane
My thoughts are running wild
My temper is flaring
Its not just you but me too that I am scaring
I don't know what's wrong with me
I wish it'd go away
I just want to be a kid again I just want to play
Life's like a game to me one you'll never win
Its given to you only to take it away in the end
They say times get hard for everyone but for me they worsen and they thicken
I sometimes fined myself in the bathroom with a knife just thinking and wishing
I never wanted to hurt anyone
Specially not myself
I just want to be happy
I know I need help.
I hope god can forgive me for my sins
Because I don't think I can do this I don't think I can live
My head is full an my minds made up
I can't turn back now because the blood there's just not enough
Im getting really dizzy now
The rooms starting to spin
I hear this voice calling me
As if to welcome me in
As my vision becomes light from black
I realize where I'm at
I'm in the hospital their trying to put most of the blood back.
I'm to weak now to week to stay awake
As I fall back to a deep slumber I hear the doctor say come back in the morning he'll be strong and awake
That night I had a dream that I was laying in a bed hooked up to a machine
With all these people around me
Some I know some I've never seen
I could taste their pain in the air
It was trapped by a tear that was simply streaming down without a sound
An as I looked into to her eyes I could see a reflection of the burden that's disguised in someone taking refuge and solace in my lies
An its Hard to speak with a voice so soft spoken from the stress and strain of the gilt an the pain I've been toatn
I feel so absolutely small and just broken
That if they put me in a jar you'd see a warning label for choking
I'm so sorry I really am
I'm so sorry that its 3am and this rant has really just began
Though I get it now I truly understand that every decision I Invision will leave me rotting in the sand in the same position that I land from the forceful slipping of the gripping in your hands

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I'm not the best with spelling :/
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Wed, 2016-02-10 16:57

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with the feeling, that this is a true story. I hope that those emotions have gone from you or whomever they are from. I realize that this is supposed to be free verse, but you have lots of rhyme here, I love rhyme. With all the rhyme in this, it was a bit hard for me to see it in any form except quatrains, but I muddled through it and was impressed. I think that if you at least break up the lines to make it a little better visually, and fix the couple of mistakes in spelling, that you are going to see some improvement in readability. I haven't seen any work from you here before, but might have missed when you first appeared at Neo. At any rate, welcome to Neo. and I hope that I see more from you. ~ Geezer

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drewdionp

Wed, 2016-04-06 01:59

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I'm not to great with spelling...

Drew D. #MSSUCK

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weirdelf

Mon, 2016-08-01 02:49

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and better still, dictionaries.
No excuse in a poet, a word-crafter, for this kind of mental laziness.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lovedly

Mon, 2016-08-01 14:57

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.

weirdelf

Mon, 2016-08-01 16:40

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.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lovedly

Mon, 2016-08-01 14:57

lovedly's picture

.

weirdelf

Mon, 2016-08-01 16:41

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Volunteer badge

.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lovedly

Mon, 2016-08-01 14:56

lovedly's picture

I don't mean to offend
will just enjoy reading poetry
Hope no complaints
don't ban me
I will THEN go sick

drewdionp

Wed, 2016-08-17 00:55

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Please by all means always say what's on your mind I take everything for what it's worth the fact that someone is willing to take their own time 2 comment is worth something would never banned you

Drew D. #MSSUCK

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